New Year's Ghosts

(I wrote this on New Year's Day, but hadn't taken the time to edit at all. Almost a week later it's done. I considered not posting it, but it's important to me, I think. So here it is - better late than never!)

Last night I got a visit from three ghosts...New Years Past, New Year Present, and New Years Future.

Just like Ebeneezer I didn't get much sleep, but I also began the morning renewed.

The ghost of New Years Past took me back fifteen years. My sweet Destiny was celebrating her very first Christmas and New Year, and we were staying with my parents in Durham, NC. I was a 19 year-old mom trying to escape from a rut.

We then visited ten years ago. It was another first Christmas and New Year, but this time it was little Emily's first. I don't remember what we did or how we celebrated, but I do remember that it was a higher point at the time...and my world was about to plummet and crash. I won't go into detail, but it was a horrible time in my life, a time God used, but a time I wouldn't ever want to relive.

Then we lit upon New Years Eve/Day five years ago: 2008/2009. It was little Ryan's second New Year. My husband and I had reconciled again, but our marriage was over. I had started working full time at Power Mechanical in the accounting department, and my husband and I both knew the kids and I would leave as soon as the tax return was in hand. Once again, I was starting a hard journey, but this one was on my own terms. I was leaving to find me again. I was independent. I was strong.

I was mistaken.

Enter the ghost of New Year present...

• I've discovered that I'm not strong at all. I'm totally weak. I've discovered that finding me just really isn't all that interesting. It's a selfish, self-centered occupation. Blech.

• Instead, I've realized I am weak, but my Savior is strong. I understand that finding me in the world's sense is folly, but discovering who I am in Christ Jesus is a joy and a blessing. I've learned strength through submission.

• I am truly loved by my husband, a man more deserving of my admiration and adoration than I ever thought possible.

• My ex-husband and I have a good working relationship, which frees my children from the bondage of our enmity. 

• Once more, I'm ushering in the New Year with a new baby, and he is a treasure.

• I have two precious girls who have been baptized into the kingdom of Christ, who love God, and look to him for their future; I can't wait for my two beloved boys to join them!

• Josiah and I are on the cusp of starting our great nonprofit ministry adventure (I was designing the logo just this morning!!).

• We don't have much money, but we have a home and it is overflowing with love.

• We are surrounded by friends and family that love us and care for us.

• We are deeply rooted in our church, but more than that (and more importantly), we're deeply rooted in Christ.

We. Are. Blessed.

The ghost of New Years Future didn't have much to say. We meandered through the garden of my hopes and dreams, but I know these things are just mirages. Today is a gift and there's no guarantee of tomorrow. Any future I have is up to God, and I place my life in His capable hands.

So today, while everyone else is making resolutions, I will simply resolve to grow towards God. Of course, I have some things I'd like to work on, but the word "resolution" paints in my mind a picture of "resolve" - someone heading into the fray, head bent in determination, relying on sheer will and strength to get me through.

That person is not me.

Instead, I am a child, looking up at my Heavenly Father, seeking guidance step-by-step, asking Him to help me grow, and loving Him more and more day-by-day.

Happy New Year everyone!