He is never too busy to work in the smallest details of our lives!!
On Tuesday, just one week before Christmas Eve, I got to listen to some awesome teaching by Sharon Thomas of Established Footsteps on Jesus as the "Prince of Peace" (Isaiah 9:6) (which I posted about here). The next day, a week before Christmas Day, I was almost in tears because I had to get semi-dressed up for an Awana Journey event...
The next day, I was plunged into the swamps of sadness because I had to leave the house to go see my husband for lunch...and my jeans were tight...and I didn't want to be seen in public.
Any of this sound kooky to you? You're not alone. Just writing it makes me feel pretty stupid, but it's something I think is best thrown out there.
Lately, I've been struggling with some depression.
There, I said it. If peace is being fully known and still loved, then you can't have peace if you hide things all the time. So, this is me throwing it out there.
No one but God, Josiah, and my children would ever really know unless I told you myself. To the outside world I try to keep the smile up and continue laughing, but they see the tears and the strife; they see me in the muck.
"Why?" you ask?
Because I've gained weight. Because I'm almost back to my highest weight ever. Because it feels completely pointless to even try to lost weight anymore because I'll just be weak and gain it again. Because my energy is gone and my muscles packed their bags and left, too. Because I hate to look in the mirror. Because I think my husband hates looking at me. Because I feel totally alone in any efforts I take. Because I miss my husband every single day because he lives here, but he's working so hard that most of the time he's not here...even when he is.
Should I go on, or are you getting an accurate portrait of the pity party?
I've been praying about this the whole time. I haven't stopped praying about it.
But can I tell you something?
Sometimes, that peace that passes all understanding, and the guarding of our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus (Phil 4:6-7) takes a while. God has perfect timing, and He knows when the absolute best time is for His peace to come to us.
He knew that on Thursday Josiah would urge me to take a walk...just to take the first steps. He knew the sun would be shining and the sky would be clear. He knew I would go to Huntington Beach and drop on my knees in the sand and pour my heart out to Him...
And He knew I would have peace, knowing that my problem was BY FAR not the biggest problem in the world, but He still cares, so I don't have to feel guilty about being on my knees in the sand because I'm fat and I'm tired of the fight.
He knew the sound of the James and the sun on my face, feeling His creation all around me and through me, would pull me out of my own muck and mire, and settle me in His gentle, loving hands.
He knew on my way back I would see the homeless people and be reminded of how truly fortunate I am.
He knew. He knows.
Folks, I wish I could tell you I conquered this. I wish I could stand here in front of you and say, "I licked this depression! I'll never be sad about my weight again!" But unfortunately, that would probably be a lie.
I'm just as human as the next person. And Satan prowls around us like a lion, seeking anyone he can devour (1 Peter 5:8) I try to resist and be firm in the faith, knowing that people all over the world feel the same way I do (5:9), but sometimes I falter.
So, I humble myself before you and under the mighty hand of God, casting all my cares upon Him because I know He cares about me (5:6-7).
Right now, I'm about to go for a walk, knowing it may not make me one pound lighter EVER, but also knowing that it could keep me from gaining another one, and it will make me healthier and make me feel better, and knowing that God wants me to and I will be obedient.
I don't know what you may be struggling with right now. Is it your weight? Your job? Your marriage? Your finances? No matter what it is, please know that He cares, and He will bring you peace, but first, you have to seek Him!!
Seek His face, and eventually, He will bring you peace.
(After my "Got Peace?" post, my sister-in-law Jamie posted this video for me on facebook, and it touched my heart down deeeeeeep. Thank you, Jamie!)
Linking up with:
Time Warp Wife
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