Sunday, March 18, 2018

This One is Not for You



When did I stop creating and start producing?

When did I decide that popularity or people's opinions trumped self-expression?

When did I decide to prostitute my art for the formulaic "devotion" I thought people wanted to read?

When did I sell my soul in the name of ministering to the souls of others?

My daughter shared a YouTube video with me the other day called Lighthouse - song and spoken word combined - that broke my heart in a million tiny pieces, but also lit the kindling left on fire. A million questions like the ones above rose up like smoke from the flames: dense. They choked me and burned my eyes

"I've never watched," Danielle Bennett says, "but I can tell I'm beautiful when I'm writing...."

Those words. I cannot even describe the longing they evoked...to just write. 

I love words. I'm passionate about words, but lately, the well dried up because I deemed my heart not worth sharing if I couldn't wrap it up neatly, stick a bow on it, and label it with a Bible verse and a catchy title.

If I couldn't write something that I felt would impact people for Jesus or teach them a lesson, then I decided it wasn't worth writing.

I have a vision board with hand lettered quotes. One of them says, "Start writing - no matter what. The faucet does not flow until the faucet is turned on."

Every day I look at it...and how many times have I written? Twice

Two. Times.

But now, it's time to prime the pump.

I've been waiting for a supernatural message to tell me what to write, so I could then put words on a page, but guess what, God can't steer a vehicle I'm not driving.

Writing is not something I do. It's not something I decided I wanted to try and maybe it'll work out or maybe it won't, depending upon the number of followers I get or who wants to read my posts.

Writing is WHO I AM, and I cannot wait to be me again. I am bursting at the seems.

I want to write. I want to speak. Why? For no other reason than to make beautiful music with the words that drip from mind and mouth.

Because alliteration makes my heart hear magical melodies.

Because metaphors are life.

Because I love the way words can float on the air like bubbles on a warm summer day, drifting down and popping gently on the listeners nose, or they can pound a stake in hard, frozen ground with a deafening clang that leaves readers breathless, speechless, and changed.

Because I have another quote on my dream board that says, "Be fearless in pursuit of what sets your soul on fire," and I am tired of walking in fear and timidity and oh so ready to walk in the power and promise of all that God has made me to be.

That's me: words pouring from a faucet and a soul raging in passionate flames. What the heck. If the Holy Spirit can be both fire and water, so can I.

I'm stepping into my muchness. This is my manifesto. This blog post is not for you...unless it is.

Unless you, too, are weary of the need for perfect performance or the prettiest instagram page. For $100 they'll teach you to fetch the followers, feed the fans, and fan the flame of self-promotion, but they forget to share the tiny writing on the bottom line that says you might just sell your soul in the process.

Not this girl. Not today, Satan.

I'm taking me back, and ya know what? She's not perfectly branded, but she is perfectly imperfect, and in a world full of fake perfection - in tones of blush, mint, and pearl - a little blood, blond, and dirt might stand out just fine.

I'm on the road to the real me with a pretty sign that says, "Authenticity or Bust" slapped on the back of the van, and it's taking passengers, so if you're ready, hop on board.

It's going to be a wild ride. 

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