A Winning Wardrobe

I had it all planned out.

Don't most humbling, slap-you-in-the-face moments start that way?

A few nights ago, I lay in bed thinking about exactly which outfits I would wear for the 5 days I'm going to be in Minnesota for the Ezer Collective. I was bubbling over with excitement.

A few weeks ago, I picked up a couple adorable clothing items from a second hand store. I tried them on briefly at home to make sure they fit, and Josiah seemed to think they were okay, so I thought they would fit fabulously into my trip wardrobe. (I tried them on for Josiah because we don't own a full-length mirror; if I ever look jacked up from the shoulders down, you now know why).

One was a plaid, tweed jacket that would look sophisticated and fun with skinny jeans and a white t-shirt. The other was a gorgeous, sheer red blouse (with the tags still on it) with slightly puffy sleeves and a ruffled collar. You just really can't GET more "me" than that.

The sheer blouse had a cami that came underneath it, but the thing was super short. When I tried it on the first time I looked like the female version of Winne the Pooh - NOT a flattering look. After purchasing a replacement cami yesterday, I came home and flew to the room to try it on.

The new cami felt just a little too long for the blouse, so I had Josiah take a picture to show me. It was TOO SMALL. The blouse I just adored felt comfortable but was far too snug, so not only was it a little short for the cami, but the last button pulled around my hips and accentuated my rolls.

NOOOOOOO!

"That's okay, though, right?" I thought. "Because that tweed jacket is going to be AWESOME!"

However, once I put it on again, I quickly noticed something that had completely escaped my attention the first time: that sucker had shoulder pads.

I don't know if you know this, but anything with shoulder pads makes a broad-shouldered girl look like the shortest linebacker in the NFL. It's not a good look.

Knowing we don't really have the funds for me to go shopping for new clothes right now, I fell to pieces. With the board for my "She is clothed in strength and dignity" sign slung haphazardly across the tops of my closet's louver doors (you can read more about that here), I stared into my closet seething, angry, and shattered, feeling clothed in very little strength and not a shred of dignity. Instead, I was clothed in a lot of sadness and boatloads of disappointment. I wailed about how I didn't have anything nice to wear and that I guess I'd just wear my "stupid, ''mom clothes."

Yes, you read that right. With people just hours south of here mourning the loss of everything they own due to Hurricane Michael, I mourned the loss of two items of clothing, which technically fit, but looked hideous. Not my finest moment.

As the hot tears slid down my face, leaving salty trails in my makeup, even I was surprised at the depth of emotion I felt over this seemingly insignificant event. "Why does this hurt so much?" I asked myself. "Why am I so devastated?"

And then, like Jack and Jill on their return voyage down the hill, the fears and insecurities tumbled out of me. They were numerous, but it all boiled down to this: I am afraid of being overlooked or disregarded because I'm old and fat.

I was super excited about the chic and fun outfits because I felt like they really represented me well...and because I feel like I need to do and be so much more to compensate for the fact that I'm truthfully "just" an overweight mom with seven kids. Even now, that makes my eyes sting with tears.

Unfortunately, there's actually some truth there, but it's mixed up with lies - Cocoa Pebbles in a bowl of sour milk.

If two women, one bigger and one smaller, put on the exact same outfit, nine times out of ten, the thinner woman would be taken more seriously, considered more attractive, hired for the job, etc. In many ways in our society, being bigger puts you at a disadvantage. That's the cold, hard truth.

The sour milk in the bowl, though, is the idea that I need these people's approval in order to fulfill my God-given calling. After a fitful night of sleep (or NOT sleep), I rose far before daylight and headed out to the beach to get my bearings. I knew there was truth I was missing, but I needed to be away from everyone with my God to figure it out.

There, in my van, in the dark hour just before dawn, I cried out to God and heard back, "Is anything impossible for the Lord?" I knew it was from the story of Abraham, Sarah, and Isaac, but I googled it to find its exact location (Genesis 18:14) . I didn't expect it to come up in three more places.

Oh Lord God!

You yourself made the

heavens and the earth

by Your great power and

with Your outstretched arm.

Nothing is too difficult for You!

Jeremiah 32:17

Look I am Yahweh,

the God of all flesh.

Is anything too difficult for Me?

Jeremiah 32:27

[Jesus] replied, 

"What is impossible with men

is possible with God."

Luke 18:27

And with those, this one popped into my head:

Now to Him who is able

to do above and beyond

all that we ask or think

according to the power that works in us,

to Him be the glory

in the church and in Christ Jesus

to all generations,

forever and ever.

Ephesians 3:20

My God can do more than I can even begin to imagine in order to fulfill His purposes for me.

• Sarah laughed when she was told she would bear a child because she knew she was too old. God gave her a child, Isaac.
• David was a shepherd boy no one thought anything of, not even enough to bring him in from the field while Samuel looked over Jesse's sons to see which would be king. God made him king.
• Elizabeth was too old to bear children and everyone thought she was barren. God gave her John, he who would pave the way for the Messiah.
• 
  

In each of these cases, God made his perfect plans work through imperfect, unlikely people. Why? To bring Him more glory because only HE could do those impossible things.

God asked Gideon to defeat the Midianites, who were oppressing His people. So, Gideon took 32,000 men with him to defeat the armies of Midian, a force that would probably have numbered in excess of 100,000. But the odds weren't stacked enough for God.

The Lord said to Gideon,

"You have too many people for Me

to hand the Midianites over to you,

or else Israel might brag:

'I did it myself.'"

Judges 7:2

Therefore, God made sure the Israelites knew no one but HE could have accomplished the victory by sending Gideon with just 300 men...and they defeated them not with swords, spears, and arrows, but with torches, trumpets, and terracotta pots - a truly divine upheaval.

Here's the thing: if I'm meant to connect with any of the women attending this thing in a way that will impact my future and God's purpose, then it won't matter if I'm wearing a burlap sac and Birks. 

It is not my wardrobe that will bring me through to my calling. It is not my gifts, talents, or bubbly personality. It is nothing other that the power of the living God working in and through me and my circumstances.

He gave me those tools, yes, but without Him, they still aren't enough to fulfill a God-sized purpose.

God will do what He wants, when He wants, through whom He wants, and if I'm willing to walk in obedience, there's nothing that's going to keep me from the calling He has put on my life.

So, I'm heading to Minnesota in just over a week clothed in strength, dignity, and outfits I already own. I won't be clothed in what I've planned, but now that the fears and insecurities have been dealt with, I can go clothed in what I should have been thinking of all along: the love of my Heavenly Father, the strength that comes from knowing His great power, the power given to me in Christ Jesus, and the authority I have been given as the daughter of the One, True King. THAT, my friends, is a winning wardrobe!

Now, get thee behind me, Satan, and observe this outfit from the back. I've got work to do.