Breastfeeding Mommy SOS

***Disclaimer: This blog is about exactly what it looks like it's about.  Thus, there will be talk about breasts, feeding, and other general woman junk.  If you're generally a "TMI!!" kind of person, you may want to turn back now.***

So, here's the thing, I can't make my baby grow.

That's about it.  I am super frustrated, a little depressed, feeding him half my life right now...but I can't make him grow.

When he was born, he was 8 lbs. 8.8 oz.  When we left the hospital, he was 7 lbs. 14 oz.  All that is completely normal.

When we went in for his appointment a couple days after we got home, he was 7 lbs. 11 oz.  That was to be expected though.  My milk came in the day before the appointment, and he hadn't had time to gain yet.

When we went in 8 days later (last Wednesday) for his two week appointment (2 days before he was actually 2 weeks old), he weighed 7 lbs. 12 oz.  A weight gain of 1 oz.  Huh.

I wigged out a little, but the doctor assured me that he felt everything was fine.  The baby is eating every 2-2.5 hours on the nose during the day and will go 3-4 hours at night.  Unless he has gas, he isn't excessively fussy.  He definitely lets you know when he's hungry (he's vocal like his momma), so if he was starving he would let us know.  Plus, he had grown a 1/4" and his head gained a little circumference, as well.

So, the doctor said to just continue what we're doing and come back in a week for an appointment to weigh him again.  But, with the way our insurance works currently, I would have to PAY for that appointment.  Hmmm...pay for an appointment to weigh a baby...I don't really want to do that.  A friend at church currently has a baby scale she's been using to see if her baby is gaining weight, so we went by yesterday.  I just KNEW  he had gained weight...at least a little.  But, no.  No weight gain.  No weight loss, but no weight gain.

I cannot describe to all of you how depressing this is.  My entire life is dedicated to feeding this little life right now.  24 hours a day it's what I'm centered on.  I get anxiety if I have to go anywhere that might run over the 1.5 hours I have between feedings.

I'm exhausted.  My boobs are sore.  I don't want to leave the house.  I look like hell.  I'm still ten lbs. over my pre-baby weight, nothing fits, and I have raccoon eyes thanks to the dark circles.  It's lovely.

All in all, I'm not handling all this remarkably well.  Mind you, I'm not handling it quite as badly as it probably sounds either.  I have my good moments.

I guess what I'm saying is...neither one of us is really thriving.

I don't want to supplement, though.  That's such a slippery slope.  You start to supplement and then your supply goes down...and then, before you know it, it's all formula.

I've scoured the internet, but I'm scared to do that now because there seems to be a plethora of conflicting information.  Last week I searched for what to do if you have a sleepy eater. I found something that suggested switching sides multiple times to keep them awake, so I started doing that last Friday (I think).  Yesterday, I searched for information on breastfed babies not growing, and those sites recommended against switching sides because then the baby is filling up on foremilk and not getting the higher calorie hindmilk.

Well, crap.

So maybe that's why he hasn't gained weight since last week!  Maybe.

Another friend suggested pumping for a feeding so I can see how much milk I'm actually supplying.  That seemed like a good idea.  I tried that last night at 8:30...I was able to pump an ounce.  That's it...a measly bluish ounce.  Almost all foremilk.  Great.

So, we combined that ounce with some other milk I had pumped last week to try to get my supply up, and it made up a total of 2.5 ounces altogether...and Josiah fed the baby, and when I handed him over I cried.

I do that a lot lately.

But then it occurred to me that I didn't feel my milk let down when I pumped.  Maybe that was the problem.

I also found out the baby wasn't gaining weight yesterday afternoon, got the kids off the bus, helped with homework and studying, and made dinner...and fed the baby 3 times in between all that.  So, maybe my supply was just low because I was stressed and exhausted?

Or, maybe I didn't take in enough fluids.

Maybe...so many maybes.  There are just too many variables to consider all at once, and not enough constants.  Part of that is me.  In my desperate attempt to make sure he's getting what he needs, I'm researching and changing feeding methods every 5 seconds.  I'm changing holds sometimes now during feedings, but he's staying at one breast until that sucker feels absolutely empty, and THEN we switch.

Yeesh.  I could use some help here, friends.  I know people have done this for centuries, but this is my first real attempt and I am failing.

Any of you breastfeeding divas have any good advice?  I definitely need it.