I'm writing this right now, but it was supposed to be a different post. It was supposed to be a beautiful post about the Weekend to Remember last weekend. I will get to that post...
But this is something else entirely.
Lately, a lot of my posts have been about "searching." Finding my way through self doubt; searching for me; seeking in the darkness; wrestling with my purpose.
And, in that same vein, today, before I can move on to the beauty of last weekend, I have to confess the ugly of the past week.
And it was indeed ugly.
It had me building up resentment toward my husband only days after I cried sweet, happy tears as I witnessed his amazing spiritual growth and hiding in the bathroom crying a river of tears when, really, I have so much to be grateful for.
I felt it impressed on me so heavily last weekend that God was doing something NEW and EXCITING in our lives, but somehow, that goes away so quickly, and sin creeps in my mind and heart.
Over 4 years ago, I felt God calling me to some form of very public ministry...someday. (You can read about that here.) Since then, I've been waiting...in a holding pattern.
Because of that, with each day that passes, blog post that gets written, development I've made, I hold my breath expectantly, waiting for the moment when God will decide I'm ready to be used in a bigger way.
The other night (while I was hiding and crying in the bathroom), I sent a text to my sister-in-law, Jamie. There are very few people in this life you can just pour your ugly out to, and they'll embrace you anyway. Jamie is one of my people.
I told her I was just struggling and asked for prayer. I told her I'm having difficulty connecting. I told her I'm resentful of Josiah's writing because I'm struggling with mine. I told her I think I've misunderstood my purpose.
I said, "Everything I touch turns to mediocrity." Not trash. Not gold.
Of course, she admonished me in the most loving, Jamie-like manner. She reminded me that I'm not God and, I don't know "all the things." I don't know what He's doing in the background. She reminded me to trust God, even though I don't FEEL like anything is happening.
I don't know if y'all know this, but feelings can be big, fat liars.
A child normally doesn't FEEL their growth. Sometimes, when it happens quickly, they have growing pains, but most of the time, it happens slowly and steadily until, one day, both they and their parents see their heads towering above the last mark on the wall.
It happens in front of your eyes, but you don't see what's going on in the background: the cells growing and multiplying, the bones stretching, the muscle developing.
No...just one day, "WOW! You've grown!"
She prayed for me and I prayed for myself. I felt like God was cold and distant, not caring about my broken heart, not seeing me in the desert, in the wait. But I prayed anyway.
And then...I went to church last night. I knew the sermon would be on the subject of our "Legacy," and it would involve the life of King David, but I was wholly unprepared for the way God would reach down and touch me.
The sermon was on David's waiting space: the years between when he was anointed as the next king of Israel and when he fought Goliath. You know, those years after he was anointed when he went back to being the littlest brother, the shepherd of the flocks.
Pastor Cyon said, "What do you do when your position doesn't line up with your purpose?"
And then I cried. I cried on and off the whole sermon. She went on to outline what God was doing to prepare David in those years, and what we should do in OUR waiting space.
She even asked the question, "How many 'what about me' moments did David have in those lonely years?" Haha...I think I know.
My intention here, though, is not to retell the sermon (although you should definitely listen to it on the FLC website). Instead, it's to show you how much God cares.
See, there are a lot of people in this world struggling over much more serious things than a "waiting space." There are far bigger problems in the world.
But as much as God cares about those big problems, He also cares about my little heart.
He sees me; He knows me; He loves me.
He knew I was feeling distant, and He reached down to show me how much He cares. He even had these women who don't know one another at all, use some of the exact same words to speak life back into me when I counted my purpose dead...lifeless.
He is El Roi, the God who sees me (Genesis 16:13), and my friend, if He sees Hagar in her distress, and He sees me in mine, He sees you in yours.
He knows your heart. He knows the number of hairs on your head. And He cares about you AND your feelings...even if they are liars.
He WANTS to comfort you. Reach out to Him, even when you don't FEEL like it.
Cast all your anxiety on Him,
because He cares about you.
1 Peter 5:7
Throw your burdens far from you, and cast them on the shoulders of our almighty God because He loves you, He cares about you, and He SEES you.