Wrestling with the Rock

Have you ever experienced seasons that were marked by sheer frustration? Where, no matter what you did, it felt like nothing was right? Nothing was good enough? YOU weren't good enough?

That's where I've been recently.

So much so, in fact, that I recently cried my eyes out...on facebook...LIVE.

The entire world was reeling over the results of an extremely divisive election. There were protests and pain...and I was crying because I felt like a failure, which made me feel even more embarrassed and ashamed.

However, I truly believe God wanted me to share that moment of raw frustration. I think he wanted me, and you, to remember it. To give me a very real and tangible reminder that says, "This is the place from which I brought you."

That little facebook tear-session was preceded fervent prayer...and the struggle continued on.

Days later, I wrote down multiple scriptures about discouragement and prayed them back to God. This one, in particular struck a chord:

Why I am I discouraged?

Why is my heart so sad?

I will put my hope in God!

I will praise him again-

my Savior and my God!

Now I am deeply discouraged,

but I will remember you-

even from distant Mount Herman,

from the land of Mount Mizar.

I hear the tumult of the raging seas

as your waves and surging tides sweep over me.

But each day the Lord pours his unfailing love upon me,

and through each night I sing his songs,

praying to God who gives me life.

Psalm 42:11

I love how our God works, how He goes before us to give us exactly what we need. 

On the day I bookmarked this passage with the label "discourgement," God knew the day (or days) when I would need it the most. When I wrote my last post, God knew He was preparing me for this one.

He is so awesome, and so mighty. I am in awe.

After reading that verse, I knew what I needed to do - I needed to praise Him again. I needed to sing His songs. So, even through tears, I wrote a list of what had me so discouraged, and then next to it, why I could actually be grateful.

This was one of them:

Discouraged by...the feeling that my writing, and my ministry as a writer, is not progressing. 

Grateful for...giving me this gift that may need development, but that I LOVE to share.

Each bit of discouragement I wrote down could be turned into a praise to the Lord Most High, but it was THIS last one that led to my next breakthrough: scripture Josiah spoke over me just the night before, when he saw my discouragement, laid his hand on my back, prayed over me, and said, "God showed me this and it reminds me so much of you."

Let no one despise your youth;

instead, you should be an example to the believers

in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, in purity.

Until I come, give your attention to public reading, exhortation, and teaching.

Do not neglect the gift that is in you;

it was given to you through prophecy,

with the laying on of hands by the council of the elders.

Practice these things;

be committed to them,

so that your progress may be evident to all.

Pay close attention to your life and your teaching;

persevere in these things,

for by doing this you will save both yourself and your hearers.

1 Timothy 4:12-16

Even now, reading this verse again, my heart overflows and spills down my cheeks.

After reading it again and copying it down, continued to pray and I continued to cry, and I vowed to God I would be faithful in sharing my progress, no matter how dirty it is or how clumsy I feel in it...because He had spoken through Josiah.

That very day, God blessed me in so many ways, showing me how He was working all things out for my good.

A couple days later, I looked back at the notes I took on that day, and the chaos in them struck me. There was a list of people I was praying for. Underneath those names was my discouragement vs. gratefulness list. Then all around the page, at the top and the sides, I had scrawled out the scripture from Timothy.

It was pretty. It wasn't neat. I had been wrestling with God. And I thought of Jacob.

This is actually a blurred picture of my notes from that day...blurred to protect prayer requests.
But I think the chaos in them is still quite evident.

Let me me totally transparent here: I've never really understood this part of Jacob's story. He wrestled with an angel all night and wouldn't let him go until he gave him a blessing...so He was called Israel because he fought with God and won.

What the what?! Also, can we just note how Jacob was really good at manipulating the blessings? He deceived to get one from his father and physically FOUGHT to get one from God. Sheisty,

So I looked back on this story and to investigate further, I read a great post by Jon Bloom on desiringgod.com, and this stuck out to me: 

When God makes us wrestle for some blessing(s), is is not because He is reluctant to bless us, even if that's how it first feels. It is because he has more blessings for us in the wrestling than without it.

Jacob was about to encounter his brother Esau. When he last saw him, Esau wanted to kill him for tricking him out of his birthright and stealing his father's blessing. And now...Esau was on his way to meet him.

Save me, I pray,

from the hand of my brother Esau,

for I am afraid he will come and attack me,

and also the mothers with their children.

Genesis 32:11

Jacob was scared for his life and for the lives of his wives and children. He cried out to God for rescue...and God sent him a wrestler.

Jacob was left alone and a man wrestled with him until daybreak.

When the man saw that he could not defeat him,

He struck Jacob's hip socket as they wrestled and dislocated his hip.

Then he said to Jacob, "Let me go, for it is daybreak."

But Jacob said, "I will not let you go unless you bless me."

"What is your name?" the man asked.

"Jacob," he replied.

"Your name will no longer be Jacob," He said.

"It will be Israel because you have struggled with God and with men

and you have prevailed."

Genesis 32:24-28

Many texts read that "the man" was an angel, particularly in light of the fact that he said Jacob had wrestled with God. Then, Jacob named the place this occurred Peniel, which means Face of God because he had seen the face of God and survived.

So Jacob wrestled with God. He came out with a bad hip, but with God's blessing. Physically weaker from the battle, but blessed beyond measure - more dependent on God than ever for his deliverance, but stronger because of it.

Oh, what a sweet picture of our walk with Jesus!

Like Jacob, I wrestled with God for days in my discouragement. I toiled in prayer and proclaimed His Word. I cried out to Him, and then I made my best effort to thank Him, and He is so faithful: He blessed me.

Make thankfulness your sacrifice to God

and keep the vows you made to the Most High.

Then call on me when you are in trouble,

and I will rescue you,

and you will give me glory.

Psalm 50:14-15

Thankfulness can feel like a huge sacrifice: when you're hurting and scared and more than willing to wallow in your own misery. Sometimes, eeking out thankfulness can be the hardest thing we can do, and it gets harder with the severity of the circumstances.

But God say,s when we sacrifice our pride and self-centeredness, and we concentrate on praising Him for all He is and all He has done, then when we call on Him, He will save us...and we will give HIM glory.

To be completely frank, I feel like this is one horrifyingly disjointed post. Right on the heels of a post that my sweet sis-in-law called her new favorite, that she praised for being so highly organized, comes this one, halting and messy.

But I didn't know how to share it any other way.

Wrestling is messy. Wrestling hurts and it's hard. It's not neat and it's certainly not organized.

This is my story of God blessing me in the wrestling. It's real and rough and raw, but I pray it brings God glory.

And I also pray the next time you're struggling through anything, big or small, of live-changing significance or just the overwhelmingly mundane tasks of life, that you will remember Jacob, and you will wrestle. I pray you through yourself into the battle, knowing if you hold on long enough and praise Him through it, He will bless you in it.

That is my blessing for you, my friends.