When Faith Meets Fat (a.k.a. Dressing Room Drama)

Lamentations 3:21-23

I sat there, in dressing room, the unforgiving fluorescent lights bearing down on my half-clothed body, and I prayed.

Dear God, I just told Emily 15 minutes ago that hating her body was a waste of time and a waste of a gift from You. Help me, God. Help me keep it together so those words won't be lost. Don't let me break down here.

God got me through. I put the unkind, unforgiving pants back on the rack, bought Emily's things, and continued on about the evening. Later that night, though, I laid in bed and talked to Josiah about it. At first it was a calm controlled conversation, and then...

Then the Holy Spirit revealed to me what was really going on inside me, and it came gushing out with hot, condemning tears.

It's just pointless. I was put on my first diet at 7 years old. I have been fighting this battle for 30 years, just about my entire life, and the victories are few and far between. I cannot do this anymore. I'm just a fat person. It's who I am, and there's no use in trying to change it. It doesn't matter if I walk. It doesn't matter if I put the cookie down because tomorrow, or in the next hour, or in the next 5 minutes, I'll just fail again, so what's the point in putting forth the effort/

Apparently, the pants weren't the only things that were "unkind" and "unforgiving." Basically, I was saying losers lose...and I'm a loser.

And that, my friends, is my battle, in a nutshell.

The next morning, though, I poured my heart out to Jesus. I dove into His Word, and He put these scriptures on my heart. This is a picture of what that looks like for me...because it's real and raw and organic. Sometimes, the clean lines of computer font can't quite convey the heart as well as ink on paper.

It's definitely imperfect. Avery scribbled all over the page before I even wrote on it, and I didn't want to waste the page. But I didn't care. It was messy, and it was pure, and it was good.

He knocked at the door of my heart, and I opened it, and He came in to fellowship with me and comfort me (Revelation 3:20).

And His grace is sufficient for me (2 Corinthians 12:9). Oh dear God, thank you for your grace being sufficient. When I am weak, HE is strong, and even though I struggle, He is ready and waiting with grace upon grace. Always enough. Always sufficient.

When Paul was talking about power being perfected in weakness, do you know what he was talking about? The thorn in his flesh. He begged God to take it away, but to ensure Paul stayed humble and constantly seeking His grace, God left the thorn.

Because His grace is sufficient. 

My struggle with my body and food is my thorn. It just is. I can attempt to fight it on my own or just admit defeat (one normally leads to the other), OR I can lean into God for His strength, and rest and revel in His grace when I don't.

If you asked me, generally, if I think I am a hopeless person, I would answer "Of course not! I'm full of hope!" But, in this one thing, I was definitely hopeless.

I had given up hope because I felt like it only brought pain, but that was because I was only hoping in my own strength, and can I tell you? I am not a strong person, not in this area, at least. I am weak.

But God is not.

So, now, I will dare to hope. I will put my trust and hope in Him because He is faithful and His mercies are new each morning. Thank you, God!!

Now friend, it's time for me to ask you, in what area have you given up hope? Where have you depended upon your own strength when you should be leaning on the everlasting arms?

It's almost the end of 2016. We're on the cusp of a new year, a fresh start. Let Him breathe new life, new hope, into those dark corners of your heart.

His mercies are new, and He's waiting for you.

NO Expiration Date

She sent the post to me a while ago, my sweet, sweet sis-in-law, Jamie. She sent it to me because she thought it would encourage me.

That's who she is...she encourages.

It was one of those posts by one of those Proverbs 31 ladies. I don't remember which one. You know, the wonderful women of God we almost forget are real. They're just SO godly.

She wrote about how she felt a calling from God, a calling SO MUCH like the one I had. Uncanny.

However, she continued to say that after that calling, God sent her people...people who asked her to write and speak. People who confirmed God's calling.

What my sweet sis-in-law sent me for encouragement, Satan used to taunt me.

"YOU had a calling? Are you sure? God's not using you. No one is listening to you. No one wants to hear what you have to say. NO ONE. You were wrong. There was NO calling."

I cried and cried and cried...out to my God.

I wrestled with it. I gave it to God. I asked Him for help. He comforted me for the moment...a bigger comfort was coming.

God sent us the marriage ministry at our church. We felt led to start it, we prayed about it, we started out strong...then everyone stopped coming.

Satan used it to taunt me.

"Now LOOK. You aren't even good enough to keep people who like you in a room. No one wants to hear what you have to say. NO ONE. You were wrong. There was NO calling."

I cried and cried and cried...out to my God.

I wrestled with it, and he led us to some wonderful people who have given us new direction for the ministry and helped us to allow God to breathe renewed life into the ministry. God comforted me, but there was more comfort coming.

A few weeks ago we watched a simulcast at a women's event at our church (the same one from this post). In it, Christine Caine preached a message that has changed...is changing...my life.

God's promises have no expiration dates.



Did you hear that?!

NONE.

She reminded us of the story of Sarah in the Bible. God sent angels to tell her she would have a baby, and she laughed. She laughed at God's promise.

She allowed herself to hope and believe, but then it didn't happen! Why didn't it happen?! Maybe the angels were wrong? Maybe they misinterpreted? Maybe it was up to her to shift and maneuver and manipulate to make the promises of God come to pass?

But no...she just needed to wait. God made a promise, and God keeps his promises, and they have no expiration dates.

Proverbs 31 lady's promises have nothing to do with mine. God called me.  He'll use me in whatever way glorifies Him most, and praise HIM, that promise has no expiration date.

God gave Josiah and I Compass Marriage Ministry. We are seeking to glorify Him, and praise HIM, that promise has no expiration date.

The other day, God solidified this for me through His word:

So the Lord must wait for you to come to him
so he can show you his love and compassion.
For the Lord is a faithful God.
Blessed are those who wait for his help.
Isaiah 30:18 (emphasis added)

I wait quietly before God,
for my victory comes from him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation,
my fortress where I will never be shaken.
Psalms 62:1-2

There are two very important lessons here:

First, God's promises do not expire. They will not die. He is faithful.

Second, anything God gives you - encouragement from a friend, a promise, a talent - Satan will try to use to destroy you. And anything Satan tried to use to destroy you, God can turn around and use to bring Himself more glory IF YOU GIVE IT TO HIM. That last part is very important.

You must give your heart to God...each day. You must pour your joy and your sorrow upon Him.

Seek his will in all you do,
and he will show you which path to take.

Proverbs 3:6

What promises has God given you that you've given up on? What promises have you pushed away because it just hurt too much to hope anymore?

Let your hope and joy be renewed! Our God's promises do not expire!

God's Holy Tether

He stands there alone, eyes fixed forward and chest high. I'm sure he's praying. How could he not be?

Praying for all of us. 

Praying for the people who were touched by the Spirit, but are unwilling to move. 

Praying for those who the sermon should have touched, but didn't because their hearts are hard and their ears clamped shut.

He had just delivered a powerful sermon, the gospel made personal to each of us. I felt sure it would stir many to tears and revive hearts and spirits, convict and cleanse. But now, as he stood there during the public invitation, I watched him: motionless, praying, patiently waiting.

For a moment, I was discouraged for him.

Then, I thought about every other week. Sometimes people respond to the invitation, but more often than not, he stands there the same as this week: motionless, praying, patiently waiting.

How does he do that?!

That's the question that was screaming at me as we drove home that afternoon. 

I get so discouraged sometimes. I've been discouraged because, despite a serious increase in effort lately, my blog readership seems weak and, sometimes, even in decline. I've been discouraged by the underwhelming show of enthusiasm for The Art Of Marriage event coming up, feeling like I'm trying to coax people into making marriage a priority - a cheerleader for a losing team.

Yet, there he stands each week, peace and joy in his countenance.

Of course, I had to send him an email to ask him. I just couldn't let it go. If we're going to go into ministry, I need the voice of experience to give me a little guidance, because I'm drowning in a pool, of hopeless, self-pity already...and we've only just begun.

His response?

Discouragement in ministry is oh so common. We ALL go through discouragement. And sorry to say, it is a shadow that will always follow you. I have to own that emotion and then tie a rope around it and pull it to the side. To deny I have those feelings is, I think unhealthy. But to let discouragement rule the day only creates lethargy. I am reminded that people are fickle and God is trustworthy. We are commanded to sew and it is God bring the harvest.

So relax. Keep both hands on the plow.

Um...a shadow that will follow me? Fantastic. However, I spoke with him a bit later, and he elucidated...and it changed everything.

He said that discouragement and ministry go hand-in-hand, but it has its uses because it keeps us constantly tied to God, relying on Him to be the encouragement we need. 

I could feel the light bulb blink on above my head.

We have to stay connected with Him all the time, keeping our pride out of the way, and relying on Him to do His will through us. Our meager efforts aren't meant to conquer armies and hardened hearts. It's only God working through us that can do those things.

I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

Philippians 4:13

If we could do it all by ourselves, then we wouldn't need a Savior, would we? But we do...we really do. 

This extends far beyond those in "ministry," though. God often allows discouragement and despair in our lives so we will seek Him, relying on His strength.  

It can be a hard lesson to learn.

Recently, I had a teensy-weensy emotional breakdown...which translates to I was bawling like a baby and everything seemed hopeless and wrong. I did what I normally do in those moments: pray and then call my sister-in-law, Jamie, to talk me down. As always, it was worth the call.

She suggested that perhaps I was coming to the end of myself...the end of my talents, my strengths. God was pushing me to rely on His strength instead of my own.

And she was absolutely right.

God wants us tethered to His strength, instead of trying to operate on our own.

What are you trying to handle by yourself right now? What has you discouraged and hopeless? What situation or predicament are you trying to handle with your own strength, instead of placing it in the hands of our loving, almighty God?

Today is the day, my friends. Turn it over to Him, and if you're like me, pray about keeping it turned over because I have a tendency to try to take it back. Put your worries where they belong, and have faith that, indeed, all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28).

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand,

that he may lift you up in due time. 

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

1 Peter 5:6-8

I'll go! Send me!

I just finished my Christian Coaching textbook. That might mean nothing...it might mean a lot.

I have no clue.

The last couple years have been awesome, yet very difficult for me. I feel like I've been creeping to the edge of a precipice on my hands and knees....

Actually, scratch that. The previous sentence implies that I can see the precipice...and I can't.

I don't know what's out there. Whatever it is, it's probably more like a mountain than the edge of a cliff, but I can't see it. I don't know where it is or what the terrain will look like when I get there. 

I'm just groping around in the dark, and every now and then, God gives me a little glimpse of something in the moonlight.

Josiah and I went to a Saturday night service last weekend at Freedom Life Church in Hampton. Josiah's friend Freddy Villarreal is the pastor. The service was awesome; the worship was upbeat and authentic, as was the preaching (Never fear MBC friends - we're not going anywhere. It can never hurt to praise God and hear another sermon though, can it?!).

Pastor Freddy's main point during the message was "GO." Just go. If you've been praying about it, it's inline with the gospel and scripture, and God is still laying it on your heart, then it's probably time to just go...keep praying, but go.

For a lot of people his message was probably inspiring. For me, it was kind of frustrating.

I'm a jump in with both feet kind of girl. For the last two years (since getting the call from God, which you can read about here), I have been jumping up and down waiving my arm like a mixture of Hermione and Lecrae...sitting on the very edge of my seat, saying..."Oh, oh, oh!!! I'll go! Send me! I'll go! Send me!Lemme Go!" (For those of my unfortunate friends who are contemporary film or Christian music challenged, Hermione is a character from Harry Potter, and Lecrae is a very awesome Christian rapper and speaker whose song, "Send Me" can be found here).

But I can't go yet...because while I kind of know where I'm supposed to be heading, He keeps giving me SUPER AWESOME things to slow me down. I'm not even being sarcastic there. The things He's given me are wonderful and irreplaceable - like 2 babies on the way in the last two years and homeschooling and finishing my degree - but that stuff will slow your roll, ya know? 

Pregnancy brain is NOT a fallacy people. I'm just looking forward to being able to form sentences without having to play charades because I forgot important words, much less form a nonprofit ministry, design a website, craft a vision, define a mission, and leap buildings in a single bound!!

In all reality, I'm probably not being completely fair to God in my assessment of the information He's given me over the last couple years. After all, after a lot of prayer and deliberation, we were able to discern that it was His will for me to stop working and stay at home (despite the fact that the math didn't work). The decision to homeschool wasn't far behind and was also Spirit-led. Then, Josiah and I both felt like He was pushing us to start a ministry.

I guess that's a lot of movement for a couple years' time, huh? It just FEELS SO SLOOOOOW.

And just now...right this very moment...I found a scripture that convicted me and lifted my spirits simultaneously:

"For still the vision awaits its appointed time;

it hastens to the end—

it will not lie.

If it seems slow, 

 it will surely come; it will not delay."

Habakkuk 2:3

Or how about this one from Psalm 27:14:

"Wait for the Lord;

be strong, and let your heart take courage;

wait for the Lord!"

While I started writing this post with no clear message or intention, God decided to make Himself clear through - shocker - His Word. It seems, for all the studying I've done in the Bible lately, all I really had to do was a 5 second Google search.

Someone remind me of that next time, please.

So, today, if you're anything like me, and you desperately want to move forward, but God seems to have other plans, meditate on these Scriptures (and the MANY others you can find just by googling "What the Bible says about God's timing" - I really do feel kind of idiotic).

God has a plan for your life...and mine. If we're waiting and willing, then He will surely reveal His plan in time...

but you better be ready to GO when He does!! Right Pastor Freddy? 

Help My Unbelief!

"I do believe! Help my unbelief!"

It sounds so contradictory doesn't it? How can you believe and need help with your unbelief at the same time? 

I bet most Christians know.

That's a quote from Mark 9:24. A man was asking Jesus for a demon to be taken from his sick son who convulsed, foamed at the mouth, and couldn't speak. Jesus's disciples had already tried to remove the demon from the boy, but they were unable.

Jesus asked how long the boy had the condition, and the man said, "From childhood...and many times it has thrown my boy in the fire or water to destroy him. But if you can do anything, have compassion on us and help us" (v. 22).

My heart aches for this man. This wasn't a short term thing. If he was saying his son had been like this from childhood, then it must have been years. 

In my head, I can see him. A man, once happy and strong, now beaten down and weary, his spirit tired from the constant battle. He is worn with worry and riddled with despair (in my imagination, not the Bible).

He is desperate. Jesus is his last hope...and that's hanging by a thread.

Jesus says to the man, "'if you can'? Everything is possible to the one who believes" (v. 23).

And here's where the man says it - the phrase that calls to every Christian heart when they desperately need and want a miracle - "I do believe! Help my unbelief!"

Arthur Pink called this "The Believer's Paradox." In his writing from 1937 he said:

Unbelief is the great burden of the saint. It grieves his soul—the man in our text wept over it—do you? Gladly would the Christian be freed from this plague—but the Lord does not see fit to remove it in this life. Frequently it acts like a cloud that covers the sun, for there is nothing so effectual as unbelief in hiding from us the light of God's countenance.

...nothing so effectual as unbelief in hiding from us the light of God's countenance.

Wow.

How often have I felt this way? I know I should believe and I do believe, but oh Jesus, please help my unbelief! 

I was talking with my sweet friend Esther this weekend about this very passage and we both said that, often, it's not that we think God can't perform miracles, but that He won't. We are too worn and weary by the hopelessness and despair that surrounds us day in and day out. 

We know God can, but why would He? What if He doesn't? What if I get my hopes up and then they're crushed? Isn't it just better not to hope?

Apparently not.

God knows. Jesus knew. He didn't send the man away for saying "if"; He just gently showed Him his weakness. And this, again, is totally conjecture, but I think Jesus healed the man's son because of His response. It was pure and raw: a supplication to God Almighty in the flesh, wrought with honestly and humility.

And then He did - He healed the man's son. I bet there was some praising God in their house that night!! 

But later, privately, the disciples wanted to know why they couldn't drive out the demon. The answer was simple - that kind could only come out with prayer and fasting. 

Prayer and fasting? What does that mean? 

Prayer - communication with God; development of our relationship with Him.

Fasting - for a time, eschewing earthly food for spiritual food; leaning on God for strength and wisdom with every hunger pang.

The only thing that works in the hardest situations is total dependence on God. Jesus knew the answer.

So, here we are, wandering around this dark world, trying to be the light, but so afraid to hope. Is it too risky to dream? Or is it too selfish? Mark Batterson doesn't think so. In his book The Circle Maker (which I am just in LOVE with right now), he says:

Nothing honors God more than a big dream that is way beyond our ability to accomplish. Why? Because there is no way we can take credit for it. And nothing is better for our spiritual development than a big dream because it keeps us on our knees in raw dependence on God.

Big hopes and dreams honor God because we can't accomplish them by ourselves. That is a truth that fills up my heart with joy and sometimes it even spills out of my eyeballs. 

It's okay to dream big. It's okay to hope.

What have you been trying not to hope for? What have you been too afraid to dream? 

Cry out to God this morning. Tell Him you believe, and ask Him to help your unbelief. He's not our genie in a bottle, and He won't give us anything we want, but He will answer prayers that are in alignment with His plan and if we are seeking His glory.

Batterson says, "Jesus taught multiplication. He promised that He would multiply His blessings if we work like it depends on us and pray like it depends on God."

He wants us to hope and pray, and He will ALWAYS answer...even if He doesn't answer the way we think He will or the way we want Him to.

He always hears and He always answers.

You just have to ask....


Linking up today with:
Time Warp Wife