Marriage Renovations: Blueprints HER Way

Photo credit: mikeg1968 Etsy Shop

In this series, Josiah and I are talking about the "renovations" God has recently made in our marriage, and how to negotiate your own marital renovation project.

When you're building from scratch, you start with the foundation and build up. In a Christian marriage, the foundation is Jesus Christ. He is the cornerstone. He is the rock you build on.

Josiah and I had this part already, praise God. (If you don't, but you'd like to know how, get with us!)

Nevertheless, even when you've built on a strong foundation, and you sincerely love your home, there are times when you need to do renovations.

Today, I'm talking about what the Blueprints Phase of the project was like for me. You can catch up on what's already been written here:

Marriage Renovations: Intro
Marriage Renovations: Demo Day HER Way
Marriage Renovations: Demo Day HIS Way

This is a hardhat area, folks. Strongholds are falling.

PHASE 2: Blueprints - Alissa Style

 My dad is a construction project manager. Since I was a little girl, I have loved helping him at his office. I would go in and help him “organize” his desk (which probably looked far more like me putting things where he couldn't find them). I played secretary and toyed with the typewriter (yes, I'm old).

When I went to his office, I was always marveled by the drafting table. On it, laid stacks and stacks of drawings that looked like a combination of hieroglyphics and an etch-a-sketch gone wild: blueprints.

The men who sat at those tables poured over layers and layers of the technical drawings. None of them knew the plans as well as the architect, but they could read them. I, on the other hand, could not make heads or tails of them.

Marriage/life renovations are like that.

When you're working on a home renovation project, before you demo stuff, you draw up plans for what needs to be done. You take measurements and consult experts. It takes time and precision.

In life, the blueprints have been drawn for us. God knew each of your days before he put the earth on its axis. He's not surprised by anything that's going on, and as we've already discussed, there is purpose in your suffering.

The Architect of our days knows the plan without even looking at a drawing. We start out, as baby Christians, and like me as a little girl staring at the drafting table, we can be completely oblivious. However, when we learn to trust the Architect, to read His instructions, and to consult Him in all things, we get better at discerning the plan.

With practice and training, you get better at reading the blueprints.

In our most recent marriage renovation project, at first, it was difficult to see through the pain. I was so hurt and demoralized that, for a bit, I lost sight of the Architect. I prayed continuously, though, and He is faithful.

After reading the first chapter of For Women Only, the book for women about men (which he had picked up mistakenly in the dark), Josiah was able to voice the fact that my complaints – about his lack of leadership and his failure to protect me emotionally – made him feel inadequate.

My first reaction? On the outside, I shut down. And I'm overwhelmingly grateful for that because the inside looked something like this:

What?! God, How could he say that?! How could he say that me voicing VERY valid complaints made him feel inadequate? I mean, I guess can understand how he would, but is it MY fault that he feels inadequate, or is it HIS because he hasn't been doing what he's supposed to do? Am I NEVER supposed to voice any complaint?!

Not pretty. And as I voiced those feelings in my head, I could feel the Holy Spirit tugging on me.

It felt sort of like my mind was being ripped in two because those feelings are very acceptable by the world's standards, they are NOT Biblical, and the Holy Spirit will always pray for you in alignment with God because He IS part of God (Romans 8 :27).

I was talking to God and saying one thing, but the Spirit was saying another, and I could feel the dissonance.

So, I decided to consult the Architect about His plans.

I prayed continuously. I started keeping a prayer journal. I dug into God's Word.

The more I dug, the more I realized that my viewpoint was not, in any way, substantiated by Scripture. Yes, we're supposed to correct one another with love, but generally, we're supposed to SEE the good the BE the good.

That's my new motto: see it and be it.

SEE the good:

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation,

by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving,

present your requests to God.

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding,

will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers and sisters,

whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right,

whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—

if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—

think about such things.

Philippians 4:6-8

I don't know if you noticed, but that doesn't say anything about me looking for what needs to be fixed about Josiah. It tells me that INSTEAD of worrying about those things, I'm supposed to go to God WITH GRATITUDE and talk to Him. I'm also supposed to try to concentrate on what is GOOD about Josiah, not those few things at which he may not excel.

Jesus told us to love one another as ourselves, and to treat one another as we would like to be treated.

Do I want Josiah to pick out the things I do wrong in an effort to help me “improve.” OR, do I want him to see the best in me, and appreciate the best in me, despite the areas I may need improvement in?

That's a rhetorical question: I want to be loved for who I am. Duh. So does he.

Now, BE the good:

“...wives,submit yourselves to your own husbands so that,

even if some disobey the Christian message,

they may be won over without a message by the way their wives live

when they observe your pure, reverent lives....

For in the past, the holy women who put their hope in God

also beautified themselves in this way,

submitting to their own husbands,

just as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord.

You have become her children when you do what is good

and are not frightened by anything alarming.”

1 Peter 3:1-2, 5-6

Whaaaaat? I'm not supposed to lovingly point out to Josiah where he's going wrong? I'm supposed to win him over without a word when he sees the purity and reverence in my OWN life and in my OWN Christian walk? I'm supposed to beautify myself in the eyes of God by submitting to my husband?

What the what?

I'm actually feigning shock here because I already knew all that. I knew It in my head, but God took this verse and made it a piece of my heart.

I LOVE THAT.

Here's the deal, ladies. Our husbands don't need our loving complaints, a.k.a. nagging. (Yup. I went there).

They need our support because our support makes them feel respected, and when our men know we respect them they can move mountains or build skyscrapers.

At this point, you may be thinking the same thing I was: That's all well and good, but there's NO WAY I can walk that out! How do I even BEGIN to do that?!

With Jesus, sweet sister...only with Jesus, but we'll talk about that more on REBUILDING DAY....

Marriage renovations: Demo Day HIS Way

In this series, Josiah and I are talking about the "renovations" God has recently made in our marriage, and how to negotiate your own marital renovation project.

When you're building from scratch, you start with the foundation and build up. In a Christian marriage, the foundation is Jesus Christ. He is the cornerstone. He is the rock you build on.

Josiah and I had this part already, praise God. (If you don't, but you'd like to know how, get with us!)

Nevertheless, even when you've built on a strong foundation, and you sincerely love your home, there are times when you need to do renovations.

Today, Josiah discusses how demo went down for HIM. You can catch up on what's already been written here:

Marriage Renovations: Intro
Marriage Renovations: Demo Day HER Way

This is a hardhat area, folks. Strongholds are falling.

PHASE 1: Demolition - Josiah Style

Traditionally, from the male perspective, this is the most wonderful part of any construction job.

The reason?

Tear it up. Break it down. Don't bother being careful. Yeah, there may be some bloody knuckles, some splinters, a nail or two that may have broken skin somewhere...but who cares. You get to see change, and you get to see it quick!

Seriously. Just ask me to pick up a sledgehammer, or jack, or a saw... Something. Please. Just give me something. That, and point at a wall, a floor...name it.

Know what's not as fun?

Self-demo.

I don't feel like this is a feeling that occurred at a specific moment, but there is a moment when it came to a head.

A couple weeks ago Alissa and I had gone on a trip to Cape Charles, Virginia in order to try to spend some time with some other couples in our church and solidify the vision and future of the marriage ministry there.

The weekend was supposed to have been a weekend to build. To design. To build a foundation and a structure that could withstand the winds of any oncoming storm.

God had a similar vision, but not on what we had planned.

First, some walls had to come down.

After a pained morning where Alissa and I had a passionate conversation about the lack of leadership from men in general in the church, why I felt that was, and what in the world to do about it, we made our way back to the house in order to start breakfast.

I tried to breach the subject of how to involve men. Not just in the marriage ministry, but in marriage: to be mentors, to reach out and to teach other men HOW to lead, because I don't feel like discipleship is a strength in American churches today.

My wife made an effort to extend my point further of how we leave men behind because ministry towards men is typically geared only to the stereotypical man.

You know, the sportsman.

For guys into football, golf, basketball, baseball, hunting, camping, etc.

But what about the executives? The musicians? The computer whizzes? The car guys?

This is the point my wife was desperately trying to make, that we had both made on our walk...that men aren't doing a good job and training other men, and we are leaving far too many men behind.

The key word in the prior statement is try. She didn't. She wasn't able to. She was interrupted.

My wife's goal at furthering a point I had made about men desperately needing each other to teach other how to be men was thwarted.

It was mistaken as condescension.

In that moment, two things happened. I was taken by surprise, as was my wife, and my wife broke down.

I did not rise to defend her. I sat idly by, in portion, due to being caught off guard, but also in part because I know my wife is capable of verbally defending herself.

What I didn't recognize at the time was I totally missed my queue.

Has anyone seen my shining armor? I seem to have left it somewhere.

This isn't the first time we really had an issue where she felt (accurately) that I had failed to come to her aid and left her to fend for herself.

The problem is, that really did leave her in a place where she was vulnerable, and it hit her like a brick wall.

Knowing I had failed her, I felt inadequate.

It wasn't a good feeling. It felt more like a demolition derby with me being the constant focus than taking out my frustration on some ill-fated wall.

This highlights the biggest issue I've been facing:

Figuring out how to lead.

If there's one thing I'm usually pretty good at, it's recognizing my shortcomings. Honestly, I don't always handle them in the way I should, but I recognize them. Well, most of them.

I have a lot of them, and usually where I lack, Alissa does a fantastic job of making up for them.

For those of you who know me, I'm usually fairly quiet unless I've got something that's a bit on the sarcastic side that pops into my mind, or if I can make a fairly concise point. I am not one to wax poetic, nor to really say much outside of the lines of what I feel MUST be said.

Maybe my point kind of comes across already because most of you already know my wife, the eager volunteer and social butterfly.

These are two things that I absolutely adore in Alissa, but couldn't be any further who I am.

I HAVE to change, and in order to do that I needed to have a breakthrough.

As God would have it, much like some of the best reasons anyone could hope to face any demolition, it was because it was time to outgrow where I had made my home.

Second, because it was the best possible investment I could possibly make.

Demolition had been done, it was time for the next phase....

Stay tuned!

Marriage Renovations: Demo Day HER Way

Photo credit: mikeg1968 Etsy Shop

In this series, Josiah and I are talking about the "renovations" God has recently made in our marriage, and how to negotiate your own marital renovation project. (If you missed the intro to the series, you can find it here.)

When you're building from scratch, you start with the foundation and build up. In a Christian marriage, the foundation is Jesus Christ. He is the cornerstone. He is the rock you build on.

Josiah and I had this part already, praise God. (If you don't, but you'd like to know how, get with us!)

Nevertheless, even when you've built on a strong foundation, and you sincerely love your home, there are times when you need to do renovations.

This is a hardhat area, folks. Strongholds are falling.

PHASE 1: Demolition - Alissa Style

Demo day is Chip Gaines favorite day on one of our favorite shows,  Fixer Upper. I think most guys like to tear stuff up. It starts at a young age, when they build towers just to knock them down.

In marriage renovations, though, demo isn't really fun for anybody. It's messy and hard, and if you're not careful, you can wreck stuff you didn't mean to touch. Here, Josiah and I will tell the story of how the demo went down in our own marriage renovations from each of our perspectives.

Demo day started for me before it did Josiah, I think. In the past year, Josiah and I have started a marriage ministry at our church, with me sort of at the helm, and Josiah as a support. But, as with any new project, there are a lot of lessons to be learned. 

We brought in new leadership to help us restructure and build, but as the process began and continued, I started to feel "beaten up." Over the last year I had done everything I could to build in every way I could, to communicate with as many people as possible, to really reach the marriages in our church.

I tried my best to take each criticism constructively, but more and more I just felt criticized...like everything I had worked so hard to do, everything I had prayerfully and painstakingly undertaken, had been for naught...because I'd done it all wrong.

This came to a climax at a leadership retreat we planned for the ministry. We went to a beautiful, old house in Cape Charles. I had hopes of the team bonding as we got to know one another and really solidifying our mission for the ministry, as well as our individual roles. My hopes didn't last long. 

The male halves of the couples who came are already invested in other ministries within the church, so while they were willing to support their wives in the marriage ministry, they couldn't be on the front lines, so to speak.

I understood, of course. How many times have I talked to people about being overextended? I know what that's like and it's not something God wants of us. But it still sat heavy on my heart.

Our last morning there, after Josiah and I discussed things on a walk, we all discussed the need for more men's discipleship, and then...the misunderstanding occurred. I won't go into the details, but I felt attacked and demeaned...in front of my husband and the whole team I called together. 

I was humiliated.

So, I did what any (girl) person might do when that happens: I cried all over my breakfast. I deflated and sobbed...and then made an impassioned speech. That's kind of how I roll.

If I wasn't doing it right, I begged a man at the table to rise up and take my place. I begged each of them to communicate with the men of our church for me because I, apparently, wasn't doing it right, and I'd gladly step aside to let one of their own do a better job.

I'm nothing if not awkward.

After gathering myself, the talk of men's discipleship continued, and I was grateful, but even after we left, I couldn't shake the feeling of humiliation. I just kept crying.

I cried at lunch on the way home. I cried when we got home. I cried the next day with my friend JoAnn (who went with us to Cape Charles). I cried later in the day, too. I cried just like Alice, until I just knew I'd eventually float away in a river of my own tears.

And then...then I attacked Josiah. I told him I couldn't do marriage ministry anymore. I was tired of leading the way. I was doing the best to climb the hill, but every challenge or attack that rolled down was hitting me square in the face. 

Paul said he could do anything God wanted him to do through Christ who gave him strength. That's true, as long as you're in God's will. However, I had no strength left, with Christ or without, so I could only conclude I was out of His will.

I was ready to let it all go. I was broken and tired. I was demolished.

In the Christian life, demolition looks like “trials.” That's what we have a tendency to call them because that's what the Bible calls them.

Trials, persecution, testing...but it often feels like God is taking a sledgehammer to your heart and to your life. It feels like he's ripping your heart out of your chest, and you just can't see through the wreckage to something beautiful.

James 1:2-4 tells us to:

Consider it great joy...whenever you face trials of many kinds,

because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.

Let perseverance finish its work so you may be mature and complete,

not lacking anything.

There are those words again: trials and testing. It's demo, ya'll, and God never does it in our lives for fun. He will never leave us or abandon us (Hebrews 13:5). He has a purpose for your suffering, and if you'll trust Him, lean on Him, and seek Him, He will build something beautiful in your life.

But that's the next part of the story....