Tuesday, November 3, 2015

Marriage renovations: Demo Day HIS Way

In this series, Josiah and I are talking about the "renovations" God has recently made in our marriage, and how to negotiate your own marital renovation project.

When you're building from scratch, you start with the foundation and build up. In a Christian marriage, the foundation is Jesus Christ. He is the cornerstone. He is the rock you build on.

Josiah and I had this part already, praise God. (If you don't, but you'd like to know how, get with us!)

Nevertheless, even when you've built on a strong foundation, and you sincerely love your home, there are times when you need to do renovations.

Today, Josiah discusses how demo went down for HIM. You can catch up on what's already been written here:

Marriage Renovations: Intro
Marriage Renovations: Demo Day HER Way

This is a hardhat area, folks. Strongholds are falling.

PHASE 1: Demolition - Josiah Style

Traditionally, from the male perspective, this is the most wonderful part of any construction job.

The reason?

Tear it up. Break it down. Don't bother being careful. Yeah, there may be some bloody knuckles, some splinters, a nail or two that may have broken skin somewhere...but who cares. You get to see change, and you get to see it quick!

Seriously. Just ask me to pick up a sledgehammer, or jack, or a saw... Something. Please. Just give me something. That, and point at a wall, a floor...name it.

Know what's not as fun?


I don't feel like this is a feeling that occurred at a specific moment, but there is a moment when it came to a head.

A couple weeks ago Alissa and I had gone on a trip to Cape Charles, Virginia in order to try to spend some time with some other couples in our church and solidify the vision and future of the marriage ministry there.

The weekend was supposed to have been a weekend to build. To design. To build a foundation and a structure that could withstand the winds of any oncoming storm.

God had a similar vision, but not on what we had planned.

First, some walls had to come down.

After a pained morning where Alissa and I had a passionate conversation about the lack of leadership from men in general in the church, why I felt that was, and what in the world to do about it, we made our way back to the house in order to start breakfast.

I tried to breach the subject of how to involve men. Not just in the marriage ministry, but in marriage: to be mentors, to reach out and to teach other men HOW to lead, because I don't feel like discipleship is a strength in American churches today.

My wife made an effort to extend my point further of how we leave men behind because ministry towards men is typically geared only to the stereotypical man.

You know, the sportsman.

For guys into football, golf, basketball, baseball, hunting, camping, etc.

But what about the executives? The musicians? The computer whizzes? The car guys?

This is the point my wife was desperately trying to make, that we had both made on our walk...that men aren't doing a good job and training other men, and we are leaving far too many men behind.

The key word in the prior statement is try. She didn't. She wasn't able to. She was interrupted.

My wife's goal at furthering a point I had made about men desperately needing each other to teach other how to be men was thwarted.

It was mistaken as condescension.

In that moment, two things happened. I was taken by surprise, as was my wife, and my wife broke down.

I did not rise to defend her. I sat idly by, in portion, due to being caught off guard, but also in part because I know my wife is capable of verbally defending herself.

What I didn't recognize at the time was I totally missed my queue.

Has anyone seen my shining armor? I seem to have left it somewhere.

This isn't the first time we really had an issue where she felt (accurately) that I had failed to come to her aid and left her to fend for herself.

The problem is, that really did leave her in a place where she was vulnerable, and it hit her like a brick wall.

Knowing I had failed her, I felt inadequate.

It wasn't a good feeling. It felt more like a demolition derby with me being the constant focus than taking out my frustration on some ill-fated wall.

This highlights the biggest issue I've been facing:

Figuring out how to lead.

If there's one thing I'm usually pretty good at, it's recognizing my shortcomings. Honestly, I don't always handle them in the way I should, but I recognize them. Well, most of them.

I have a lot of them, and usually where I lack, Alissa does a fantastic job of making up for them.

For those of you who know me, I'm usually fairly quiet unless I've got something that's a bit on the sarcastic side that pops into my mind, or if I can make a fairly concise point. I am not one to wax poetic, nor to really say much outside of the lines of what I feel MUST be said.

Maybe my point kind of comes across already because most of you already know my wife, the eager volunteer and social butterfly.

These are two things that I absolutely adore in Alissa, but couldn't be any further who I am.

I HAVE to change, and in order to do that I needed to have a breakthrough.

As God would have it, much like some of the best reasons anyone could hope to face any demolition, it was because it was time to outgrow where I had made my home.

Second, because it was the best possible investment I could possibly make.

Demolition had been done, it was time for the next phase....

Stay tuned!


  1. I am not married, but found your post very helpful. Blessed to be your neighbor at Testimony Tuesday today.