Plot Twist

What is it about your favorite book or story that makes it your favorite? Seriously. Think about it. I'll wait. *insert Jeopardy music here*

My friend John-Erik Moseler often says, "Just remember, all your favorite stories have plot twists," and he's right. Our favorite stories ARE our favorites because good triumphs over evil, the hero prevails, or the couple overcomes insurmountable obstacles. 

What we often fail to comprehend is that it's the very presence of evil, enemies, and obstacles that brings life to those stories, and that otherwise, they wouldn't be very interesting at all.

A good pot of beans is bland and, honestly, pretty gross without some meat, salt, and pepper (at the very least) to flavor it. But once, my hand slipped and I added FAR too much pepper. It made the entire pot completely inedible. 

Plot twists add flavor to our lives, but we also often have the ability to control whether we allow them to season our days well or make them completely "inedible."

 The last few days, I've experienced a plot twist of sorts - not one of the ginormous tragic ones, but instead, one that just seems to shift everything. Words are said, truths and feelings are revealed, and suddenly you find yourself at a crossroads of sorts.

For those of you who don't know me well or haven't known me long, I'm a fighter. I don't mean that in the positive sense, either. Words are my gift, but that also means I can spew venom and spit fire in the worst of ways when I feel backed into a corner.

But I'm also a work in progress - a new creation in Christ Jesus, becoming more like Him every day. So this time, I handled my plot twist in a different way. I went to church, spoke to a mentor, and most importantly, sought out time alone with God.

I drove to Fort Monroe yesterday, thinking I was going to seek God on the beach. I parked gathered my things and began to walk towards sand and waves, but it just didn't feel right. I stopped dead in the middle of the sidewalk, turned in a couple circles, ad decided to go back to the car. I didn't know where God wanted me to go, but I knew it wasn't there.

I followed God's leading to another beach parking lot, but instead of going towards the beach, I walked in the other direction, under the shade of a tree, watching the slow, quiet waters of the fort "moat." And there, I prayed and studied God's word.

And He met me there, powerfully.

He reminded me through His word, while I stared at an old fort, that He is my strong tower, my stronghold, my fortress. 

He reminded me there in the shade that I rest in the shadow of His mighty wings.

He reminded me, as I sat in the grass by the water, that He is my shepherd who makes me lie down in green pastures and that he leads me beside quiet waters.

He reminded me that He will always lead me down the right paths for the sake of whatever brings Him glory, and that should be my aim.

He reminded me that, in Him, I have everything I need.

He quieted my soul.

I don't know where your story right now: if you're fresh off a plot twist, drowning in the middle, or on your way in. I don't know if your plot twist is a tiny turn or an implosion. But friend, what I DO know is that you have a choice in how you handle it. You have a choice in your perspective.

We all have different stories, but the same choice: who we allow to be the author. Personally, I choose Him - my Creator, the One who knows the beginning and the end. I am merely a character in His story, but I trust Him enough to know He'll write a far better version than I could ever imagine.

Who's writing your story? Are you muddling through, trying in every earthly way to make the next right turn? Or are you trusting God to guide your path, knowing He can take you places in this adventure that are beyond your wildest dreams?

We all have plot twists. How will you handle yours?

What did that opportunity cost?

Have you ever prayed for something, about something, and God answered in a way you never expected?

Within the past week, Josiah and I had an opportunity to invest in our business. It was a great opportunity, a worthy opportunity. However, it would have meant pushing a couple other important things aside in order to invest.

So, we did what we know we're supposed to do: we prayed about it and waited.

If any of you lacks wisdom,

let him ask God,

who gives generously to all without reproach,

and it will be given to him.

James 1:5

I wait for the Lord, my soul waits,

and in his word I hope;

Psalm 130:5

I would LOVE to tell you that it is my natural inclination, or even a regular habit, to pray and then WAIT for God's answer. Unfortunately, that's not the case.

Instead, often, it looks like me praying, and then, when I don't get struck by lightning immediately, I say, "Must be God's will!" and move forward with what I wanted. (We'll actually talk about that in my next post.)

This time, however, we were supernaturally assigned to waiting: we couldn't make the purchase until payday. 

First thing in the morning that day, I awoke with the intention of going through with it. God hadn't told me not to yet, and it had been days...so I was ready.

And then...

I looked on facebook, and I saw a friend's post about needing help in their ministry, Kindfund. They have homes for rescued and abandoned children in Kenya. Recently, two precious newborn babies were rescued and brought to them, but now they need to eat. Formula is $10 per can.

Right then, I knew what we needed to do. The Holy Spirit within me spoke, and I got the message loud and clear: God said "no" to my initial request and revealed His plan. Josiah agreed, and we moved forward on God's path.

I learned a big lesson here (or more appropriately, God spoke into an ongoing lesson): Prayer is a one-sided conversation. If you're not waiting for God's answer, then you're missing communication with Him.

However, there's another lesson to be learned here.

In the beginning of this post, I said we had an opportunity to invest in our business, and then God presented us an opportunity to invest in the lives of those little babies.

It may seem like it might be a no-brainer, but our business changes lives.

Therefore, what we were looking at were two very valid, worthy opportunities...but we could only choose one.

We chose supporting the babies. The business investment that we didn't choose, that is what's known as opportunity cost. 

Opportunity cost is an economic principle which states that any time you choose to spend money on something, there was another second best option that did NOT get chosen. That second, not-chosen option is called the opportunity cost.

In other words, your choice cost you that particular opportunity.

If you choose to buy pizza over salad, salad is the opportunity cost. If it's the other way around, the pizza is the opportunity cost. Very simple principle.

Notice, though, that the principle can be applied not just to purchases, but to choices we make about other valuable commodities, like time and energy.

When we consume food, we make choices like the one above: pizza or salad. If you're like me, you're probably screaming, "Pizza AND salad! Duh." However, for the sake of this example let's just assume we have to choose.

Water or soda.

Cookies or fruit.

Cleaning or binge watching.

Scrolling on facebook or paying attention to the people around me.

OUCH! That last one was for me. Actually, they all are.

We make choices every, single day, and you want to know the really scary part? Often we are blind to the choices we're making. We simply do things because that's what we've always done.

• We can't find time to workout, but we can find an hour to watch TV or play online.
• We can't find the money to buy healthy food, but we've hit up Mickey D's and Starbucks a few times each this month.
• We can't find time to spend with Jesus, but we can find time to rail about the election on facebook.

These things might sting. I know they hit me pretty hard.

God has been revealing a lot to me as I considered this blog post over the last few days. In various ways, he has opened my eyes to some choices I'm making that I'm really not proud of. 

The opportunity cost is high. I'm sacrificing some very important things by investing time, money, and energy into some others that really just don't matter.

This is not just to make you feel guilty or tell you what to do because...

• Sometimes, I'm going to invest in my business instead of a charity because it's the right thing to do.
• Sometimes, I'm going to chill out and rest instead of laboring constantly because rest is good, and it's the right thing to do.
• And sometimes, I'm going to eat the dang cake, cuz mmmmm, cake is good. 

I'm not here to judge your choices. I've got enough of my own junk, thank you. Nevertheless, I am asking you to prayerfully consider your choices. Speak to God about them. And then, wait for the answer. 

If you're a Christian, then you have made Jesus your LORD and Savior. A lot of us really like the salvation part, but we conveniently forget about the "Lord." 

lord: a person who has authority, control, or power over others; a master, chief, or ruler (dictionary.com)

Let Jesus be your Lord today. If there's an area of your life you feel you're struggling in, talk to Him about it, but don't just ask Him to save you from it. Ask Him if you're maybe making some choices that are contributing to it.

Let Him decide!

I've got spirit! But is it the right one?

The last post I wrote was the day my Nana died. *sigh* I didn't realize that until just now. Fitting, though, since, when I was bawling my eyes out on my front porch yesterday, I wanted to call and talk to her SO BADLY. But of course, that's not possible...so more tears.

Ya'll God moved in my life and heart yesterday in a way that sinks way down deep into my core.

I have been struggling a lot lately. I can't seem to connect sometimes...a lot of the times. Not with the kids, Josiah, or even with God. I'm trying and PRAYING, but to no avail. 

It came to a head yesterday...thus, the boohooing on my front porch after SCREAMING at my kids, a scene that's been all too common this week. I've noticed that the angry episodes and inability to connect are getting worse, particularly, prior to and during my monthly cycles.

I contacted a friend who asked me to meet for lunch, and on the way, I returned a call to my upline, Wendy. We talked about business for a few minutes, and then I spilled my heart out to her. I told her about it getting worse around my period and because of that, I'm thinking about getting my Mirena IUD taken out. I started to go into why THAT scared me when she stopped me...COLD.

She told me about a friend who had Mirena, who had the exact same symptoms. She said the doctor told her there was NO way it could be the IUD, so they tested her for all kinds of things. Finally, she had it removed...and it righted a vast majority of her issues.

I knew immediately that's what I needed to do.

I started to tell her that, but I also told her I was REALLY scared because I'm afraid of getting pregnant again, which makes me feel even worse because I KNOW Josiah wants more babies if possible...but I don't know that I do. I mean...I would LOVE any baby I have, but ugh...mother of SIX?! I'm just terrified.

She stopped me again.

She said, (and I paraphrase), Alissa, I know you love God and how dedicated you are, but all I hear from you right now is a spirit of fear, not trust in our Sovereign God.

And oh...how I cried.

She's right. I knew it immediately, DEEP DOWN in my soul, I knew she was right. I am living with a foreign object in me that is wreaking havoc on my body because I don't trust God enough to give me the right amount of babies. I don't trust him to give me what I need to handle any situation he gives me.

Oddly, I wrote about this just over one year ago (you can read that here). I remembered as soon as she said it, and I felt peace...the peace that passes all understanding. The peace that you get when you truly hand your worries over to our Sovereign God.

Peace.

My friend I met for lunch confirmed some of the stuff she was telling me, and then I called another friend who did the same.

THIS, ya'll...this is why you just can't be a lone reed, drifting through this ugly, dark world. We need other like-minded and like-souled individuals to guide us, to show us where we're being blind to our own sins and failures...so we can grow.

I am so grateful.

Let it also be known, that I tell people to "just trust God" All. The. Time. Somewhere, deep in the recesses of my heart and mind, I knew what I was doing wrong, but sometimes it's so easy to turn a blind eye to our fears. 365 times the Bible tells us not to be afraid...and yet...I think it's what Christians, the people who should struggle the least, wrestle with most.

So, I'm going to to make an appointment to get this Mirena out. I don't know what's going to happen from there, but I know God will guide us and helps us, no matter what. It's a REALLY good feeling.

I urge you. Today...right this minute...take a look at what you're consumed with right now. What are you worried about? What can you not stop thinking about? What have you turned around a million different ways to find different outcomes?

Take whatever that is, and place it before God. Trust Him to handle it...and don't be like me. Don't snatch it back, assuming YOU can do a better job of handling it than the Creator of the universe.

Remind me of that, the next time I do it...and I'll do the same for you.

An Entirely Different Kind of Dream Speech

Here's a little embarrassing revelation about me, one that I don't even think Josiah knows about: since I was little, I have played little fantasy scenarios out in my head (minds out of the gutter please).

I guess it's daydreaming. Maybe everyone does it...but I'm going to be the crazy one letting it all hang out today. 

When I was little, I would look out the bus window and imagine a movie producer or modeling agent seeing my face through the glass. He would stop the bus or follow it to the next stop and insist I was his next big star.

I was kind of a goofy kid.

Over the years, as I've changed, my daydreams have changed. Since my "calling" episode a couple years ago (which you can read about here), I've imagined myself speaking to large groups of people. I tend to write sermons and speeches in my head and envision myself speaking to rapt audiences.

I'm kind of a goofy adult, too.

This weekend, Josiah, Destiny, and I are going to Raleigh to visit friends. On Saturday, she and I are going to a women's event in Princeton: Intentionally and Wonderfully Made 2015.

I've met a couple of the main organizers/speakers for the event. They know Josiah and I are planning to start Seeking the Symphony (God's time, not ours), and they've also given us advice and direction for our church's new marriage ministry, Compass. 

I'm sure you know what's coming next - many times I've envisioned I'd be asked to speak at the event. In fact, I had to do an assignment for a class last year, and for it, I wrote a mock proposal asking them to allow me to speak.

NOT happening.

Let me be clear, I'm aware these are just fantasies at this point. I feel God has called me to speak, but let's face it: they have an ACTUAL author speaking at this event. At this point, I'm a stay-at-home-mom who writes a blog...on occasion.

But...in the last few days I've thought to myself, What would you say if they DID ask you to speak? What do you have to say about being "Intentionally and Wonderfully Made?

And the rest of this post, my dear friends, is the result of that question. It's my fantasy speech, but it's also my heart and my testimony. (And it's long. Super long. Get a snack and be ready to hang out for a while).

Alissa's Intentionally and Wonderfully Made Fantasy Speech

When Sherry and Beverly called and asked me to speak at this event, I did what any professional author and speaker does when they're booked for an event: the happy dance in my living room. That's not what they do? Huh...maybe that's because I'm NOT a professional author and speaker. 

So...after my very dignified end-zone-like celebration, I did the next non-professional thing: I screamed in panic. "What in the world am I going to talk about in front of these women?!"

I'm not a Bible scholar or Christian therapist. Heck, I'm a relatively new blogger and ministry leader. I'm just a woman!!

But then I realized, we're all just women. Each women in this room is weaving a tapestry, full of light dark, vivid and grim. We each have a story, struggles and victories, and God is present and active in each one of them. So, I'll just start with my story.

I'm a stay-at-home homeschooling mom of 5 beautiful children, ages 16, 12 (as of Sunday), 7, 1, and 3 months. The oldest three children are from my previous marriage. My husband, Josiah, and I have only been married for just over 2 1/2 years...and we've had two kids in that time. It's been a busy couple of years!!

I'm totally in love with my husband and kids, but I'm actually more grateful to say I'm in love with my Savior, Jesus. 

I haven't always been able to say that.

I've known Jesus as long as I can remember...sort of. I asked him into my heart at a very young age, and I was 14 when I was baptized. But...for a long time I didn't understand how to have a relationship with him. I didn't understand that God had a plan for my life...or how to consult him regarding that plan.

I was always the bubbly girl...I still am. obviously. If you tied my hands behind my back I might not be able to talk, and I wear my heart on my sleeve...which is then ALWAYS faithfully communicated by my face. I can't control it. If I'm confused or happy or upset or just think you're crazy, you'll probably be able to tell...immediately.

 I graduated from high school at 17 at the top of my class with a Presidential Scholarship to Christopher Newport University. I just knew I was going places...and I was...just the wrong places. 

A month after graduation I met my ex-husband and the father of my first three children. He was a dreamer, a risk-taker, an artist. 

But like a lot of artists, he also had a very dark side. 

He's a lot different now. People grow and they change. We were a toxic combination. That actually makes all of this harder to share. I feel like I'm slandering someone. However, no matter how hard I try, I can't remove this part from my story. It's my testimony, my life. 

Abuse just isn't always what it is in movies. It doesn't always happen non-stop. It can start very gradually and be very sporadic. He could go a year without an incident and then...then they would start again. Something I did would set him off, and once again, the beast would raise its ugly head. Sometimes he would only yell. Sometimes he would get in my face. Sometimes it was Hell on Earth. 

One time he choked me until I passed out and he thought he killed me. He was more scared than I was...and he didn't touch me for a long while after that.

Physical abuse is very ugly, but in my case, I'm thoroughly convinced the verbal abuse left the deepest scars. I was ugly and fat. My stomach was the most disgusting thing he'd ever seen, and no one would ever have me. I was worthless. I thought they were just words...and words can't really hurt you, right?

Through it all I smiled and laughed. I made friends just as easily as I always had. I went to bbq's and served on the PTA. I just didn't always disclose what went on behind closed doors. Some people knew, but most people had no clue. I left him multiple times, or I was the one that was left...but we always wanted to try to make it right.

Old habits die hard.

In September of 2007, we had a particularly ugly battle. The night ended with an arm I thought might be broken (it wasn't); a picture of my five year old on her knees, crying and  begging her dad not to kill himself permanently seared into my memory; and the deeply held conviction that it was finally time for me to leave for good. 

I secured a full-time job, and five months later the kids and I moved out.

As a small aside, I'm not here advocating divorce. Sherry and Beverly would string me up. However, after over a decade of abuse, adultery, and addictions, I made the only choice I thought I could make at the time. That doesn't make divorce NOT a sin. However, since then, I've asked God to forgive me for that sin, and He's chosen to bless me because of HIS grace and mercy.

It's part of my story.

A couple years after that horrible September night, I met my Josiah. He was and IS truly an answer to prayer: a partner, a lover, a best friend. It was he and his family who showed me how to really love Jesus, how to follow His plan for my life. 

A lot of people have asked me how I broke the pattern. Many women who have been in unhealthy or abusive relationships continue to repeat the cycle.

Wanna know?

I had to let go of the title "victim." What happened wasn't my fault, but in my situation, I continued to allow the behavior. I did that thinking I was doing what God wanted me to do, but I still did it. It was my decision to stay. I had a choice.

I had to realize that point in my life was part of my testimony, but it was not ME. I could choose to allow abuse and bad decisions to define me OR I could choose to be defined by who GOD says I am: HIS child, adopted through the blood of His son, Jesus Christ; loved and cherished, the masterpiece of an Almighty God. 

We all have a choice to make.

Maybe you're here today and you've got a lot of dark in your tapestry, too.

Maybe things have happened in your life that you really have no control over: abuse, death, devastation. 

Maybe you know where you're at, but it's been so long since you've seen the light that you've abandoned yourself to the dark. What are your names? Adulteress? Liar? Addict? Abuser?

I'm here today to tell you, You have a choice! You can choose to be defined by the things that have happened to you and the things you've done OR you can decide today to be defined by how God sees you, and - pay attention this is the important part - start acting like it.

Start acting like you believe what you say you believe.

If you believe the Bible is God's word, then you're saying you believe what's in it. God says you're loved. God says you're valued. God says 

He knows everything about you, from the beginning of time He knew you and knew His plan for your life. He knit you together in your mother's womb for a purpose! He knows everything about you from your best achievement to your darkest sin...and He still loves you and wants you!!

He wants YOU. He loves YOU.

If you don't believe God's word or you're not sure what you believe, you can make a different choice about that, too. And if you need to talk to someone about that, there are plenty of women here who are ready, willing, and able to help you and answer your questions. I'm one of them.

So, today, you have a choice to make. Are you going to let the dark threads of your life weave themselves into a portrait of hopelessness and devastation? OR, are you going to, with determination and intentionality, grab hold of your Savior and weave a beautiful portrait of a life lived in His presence - light complimented by dark, vivid colors made all the more beautiful alongside the black and gray?

It's your choice. Today's the day. What's it gonna be?

*Those of you who go to Menchville Baptist know I stole the idea of the tapestry metaphor from Pastor Jim's sermon on Sunday. This is me giving him credit for that. :)