There I lay, face-down on the kitchen floor, tears and snot flowing like Niagara Falls, thinking two thoughts almost simultaneously: "How am I here again," and "I am so glad I mopped the kitchen floor."
It started as most of these moments do for me: a mix of desperation, defiance, and a little disobedience thrown in for good measure.
Lately, I've felt like I've had a very hard time hearing God's voice. Sometimes, I'll pray and seek and read and listen and ask..and nothing. Silence.
Yesterday morning, I woke up at 4 a.m. to spend time with God, but it was the saltiest date with the Divine EVER. I came to the "table" disgruntled. I tried to praise through, worship and ignore it, but my heart was not having it, and you can't lie to God. I felt like a child: If you're hard-hearted, and you know it, stomp your feet. *stomp, stomp*
Then the kids woke up. "No more time for me!" Disgruntled. Josiah and Emily went to church to serve (we attended as a family the night before). "He gets to go to church again for pre-service prayer. No alone time for me!" Disgruntled. The kids piled on top of me, everyone claiming personal real estate on my lap. "No personal space for me!" Disgruntled.
I sat on the couch with my children piled on me, defiantly scrolling Facebook, desperately hoping to escape. And that's when I knew...it's my own disobedience keeping me from hearing God's voice. I've been hard-hearted.
I just wrote recently about a time in late October, when Josiah told me he felt like I didn't want to be here; I was subconsciously trying to escape my first ministry, my family, while simultaneously seeking an outside ministry (read about that here). Suddenly, I knew I was heading back in that direction.
My word for the year is "Rest," and this has been the theme verse:
For the Lord God, the Holy One of Israel, has said:
"You will be delivered by returning and resting;
your strength will lie in quiet confidence.
But you are not willing."
Isaiah 30:15
That last sentence gets me ever, single time. But Isaiah goes on.
You will say, "No!
We will escape on horses"-
therefore you will escape!-
and, "We will ride on fast horses"-
but those who pursue you will be faster.
Isaiah 30:16
When I'm frustrated and overwhelmed, instead of seeking rest in my God, I've turned again to seeking escape in my phone. Like any other addict falling off the wagon, it starts with just a little taste and quickly takes over. I think I'm faster, smarter, bigger than the habit, but it overtakes me. Sound familiar?
I love these people of mine with all my heart, but sometimes I wonder, "Should it really be this hard?" Ya'll, I begged God for this stay-at-home mom life. I pleaded with Him to make it possible. But now, here in the thick of things, it's far too often overwhelming. I feel like I should be satisfied and content, but my heart yearns for other things...and so I scroll.
Your thing may not be scrolling, but I'm willing to bet you have a coping mechanism, too - the thing you turn to instead of God, the thing you make excuses for, because after all, life is just so hard.
Coffee, wine, sugar, drugs, approval, yoga, workouts - pick a vice, any vice. None of them are inherently bad (indeed, some of them are freaking awesome), but if we're turning to them instead of God, there's a problem. We think we're the ones in control of the escape, but really, "those who pursue" us are faster; we are overtaken.
But God...the answer is always, "But God...." It was the answer for the Israelites, and it's the answer today.
Therefore the Lord is waiting to show you mercy,
and is rising up to show you compassion,
for the Lord is a just God.
All who wait patiently for Him are happy.
Isaiah 30:18
He is so good.
When I realized where I'd gone wrong, with tears in my eyes, and a heavy heart, I put down the phone, kissed the kids, took them off my lap, and got up from the couch. I told myself I was going to recommit to trying to serve my family joyfully. I went to the kitchen to clean up, turned on Even When it Hurts by Hillsong United, and picked up a sponge.
The song flowed from Youtube straight into my soul, and right around the second verse - "Take this mountain weight, take these ocean tears, hold me through the trial, come like hope again" - my heart broke and, first my knees, then my hands, and finally my face, hit the floor.
"Why God? Why am I here again? This should be easier! I love my people. There should be more joy! I've been through this before. I should be past this by now!"
And there, quietly, with my whole body stretched across my kitchen floor, God spoke. "First, that's a lot of 'shoulds," my love, and those don't belong there. Second, you're confusing happiness and joy. Happiness comes quickly and easily in the moment. Joy you have to fight for - and the fight is a fight for rest in Me."
True rest in God is not highly valued in our society, but coping mechanisms are. It takes some intentionality and a whole lotta the Holy Ghost to turn away from what the world says will fix our problems and turn our hearts to only One who heals. It's not popular, but if you're looking for peace and direction, it's vital.
This was the answer for the Israelites:
The Lord will give you meager bread and water during your oppression,
but your Teacher will not hide himself any longer.
Your eyes will see your teacher,
and whenever you turn to the right or to the left,
your ears will hear this command behind you,
"This is the way. Walk in it."
Isaiah 30:20-21
When I finally laid down my will and my own failing strength, gave up trying to have it together, and even physically gave up trying to stand, there was my God waiting to teach me, comfort me, and tell me which way to go.
Friend, I don't know what you're struggling with today or what you might wrestle with tomorrow. What I do know, though, is that if you're not in a struggle today you soon will be; this life in a fallen world is rarely smooth-sailing for long. But today, tomorrow, next week, or next year - whenever you get caught up in the shoulds and life just feels far more difficult than you think you can bear - I hope my moment comes to mind, and it reminds you of the promises of God.
Turn away from the things of this world, the band-aid solutions for an open heart surgery need, and turn toward the only One that can heal, the only One who can truly help.
I have told you these things so that
in Me you will have peace.
You will have suffering in this world.
Be courageous! I have conquered the world.
John 16:33
