Thursday, July 21, 2011

Dazed and Confused

Once again, my brain is pummeling itself with random thoughts...some that coincide with one another like a lovely ballet, and others that bounce off each other like big, sweaty men in a WWF's just not pretty. So I've taken my lunch break, and instead of going to the gym like a good girl, I'm sitting at my desk trying to gather cognitive data into something I can recognize as an actual idea or cohesive thought. Right now, it's all a mental hot mess.

First, I had a really great conversation with Josiah's mom last night. I was talking about starting the blog and searching for my purpose, and she instantly cautioned me against taking on too much and over-scheduling. She was completely right to do so. While the blog itself and my pilgrimage to purpose wouldn't actually cause the over-scheduling, that is one of my fatal flaws. I definitely feel like I need to take time to breathe more often. Josiah is trying desperately to teach me the art of being still...poor sensei. I'm a difficult student in this regard. I will continue to pray about this, though, and ask God to show me where He wants me to place my energy...and when He wants me to conserve it.

All of that having been said, I still need to do something with my life (everyone does), and guess what? Billing girl isn't it. I sit here at my desk every day and try so hard to focus, but this sitting behind a desk staring at a computer and numbers and shuffling SO MUCH PAPER just is not me. I love my company, and I am REALLY appreciative to even have a job right now because many aren't that lucky. But man, sometimes I just want to stick a fork in my temple because, frankly, it would make my day more interesting (No...not literally, Mom. I'm not suicidal. Calm down).

So again, that begs the question "what to do?" God told me not to major in English (seriously, He made it virtually impossible), so I'm majoring in Psychology, Business, and Social Science. Obviously, I don't know what I want to be when I grow up because my major is all over the place, too. I have life plan ADD.

Josiah's mom says she thinks I may have the gift of counseling. The major in Psychology would be good for that, although I'd probably need a trillion more years of school beyond my bachelors (or 4...whatever). It's something that could quite possibly offer a very flexible schedule, and I could always take on as many or as few clients as I wanted.

I had almost just completely put the idea of writing aside until, while randomly looking for running tips for non-runners (aka chunky folk), I came across a very interesting blog today.** This girl has (and continues to) put in her dues as a freelance writer/"bloggess" and she's really very entertaining. She doesn't sugar-coat the process at all; in fact, she almost makes it sound downright painful at times (working for free, getting scammed, etc.), but you can tell she loves it...and I'm almost positive if I were given the opportunity, I would too.

There are two major factors that limit my ability to write: time and my own crippling insecurity.

I could probably make time to write, but then would I have any creative energy after having shuttled three children around and hearing the word "mommy" so much I think my ears are going to bleed? Honestly, I absolutely adore my children, but sometimes the constant noise and chatter drive me insane. I think this is where I really need to make sure I'm choosing activities for the kids and I wisely. The more we run, the more drained I am, and the more they tend to take for granted. It's not their fault, but if they are conditioned to me entertaining them with activities non-stop, then the gargantuan efforts I'm putting in are nothing special to them. Plus, I think it makes us all tired and cranky. If I want to write, I need to make sure I make time for it.

I don't know what to say about the insecurity. I've had some people tell me I am destined to write, and others seem summarily unimpressed. I'll pray about it...that's really all I know to do.

I think I may sit down and pen some lists tonight. I need to solidify exactly what I definitely do and don't want out of my career down the road. It worked when I wrote down what I wanted in a boyfriend!

I'll share that list and more this weekend. :)

**The blog I'm referencing is by a girl named Jasmine and you can find it here:

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