Angst.
Alissa
had asked me a simple question earlier that evoked a rather difficult response.
I
told her I felt like I’m bracing for an accident that’s about to come.
You
know what that is - that scary feeling where you know you’re not in control.
When you’re not excited about what comes next because you feel pretty certain
that whatever may happen, it’s not going to be easy, someone may get hurt
somehow, and that there’s going to be potential carnage.
I
don’t know why I have that feeling, but I know I've been fighting it for
days now, and now...it’s my turn to write a late-night "lesson learned."
Guess
what?!
I’m
not in control. And that is a good
thing. God alone knows what's best for me, and I’m tired of fighting for every
square inch of what I think is better
than where I am now.
Outside
of that, there’s the fact that I’m human, and I have a HUGE tendency to not
even really know what I want, not appreciate it when it’s actually mine, and
then of course, I normally find out what I wanted initially wasn't what was actually good for me to begin with.
I
can’t help but think sometimes that yes, God is in control, and He knows what’s
best, BUT God doesn't help those who don’t help themselves.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
First
of all, did I just have the AUDACITY to place limits upon GOD??
Second, way, way, waaaaaaay beyond that… how in the world did I in any way, or could I
in any way, help myself to salvation?
Obviously,
I know I didn't. All I can do is accept that He brought salvation to the
doorsteps of my heart, left it there, and rang the doorbell. All I had to do
was accept that it is out of my control, and cede control over my own life.
So
now, I find myself in a giant tug-o-war against God. When I finally take time
to think about it, I see how truly foolish this is…
Yep.
Creator of the universe. Conqueror of death. Uh-huh. Him.
When
I take the time to think about it, (which isn't nearly often enough) I know
that my angst, confusion, and struggle for control should all be let go.
I
know Psalms 46:10:
"Be still and know that I am God."
I should be still and know that He is God.
That’s God baring
down and knocking on my forehead saying, "hey, you…I got this. I’ve got you.
You don’t even know what I've got for you."
And
then I can remember every time God has come through.
The time when we needed a
van upgrade pretty seriously, and things worked out to where we got it at an
unbelievable bargain.
That
time when we were out in the mountains of Tennessee and the transmission went
out, and we didn't really have to worry at all about anything because of ALL
the help we received from many different people along the way.
That
time when bills were running late and there was money stuffed in a Christmas
card anonymously that helped so much.
Yup.
That God.
So
tonight, on the way home driving in my car, I was praying, “God, I want the
best of what you have in store for me and my family…but…what is Your will??”
DING!
Another
Bible verse I memorized popped into my mind! Or three.
I’m
going to separate them because I don’t think I or anyone else gets the
importance of it until we look at each one individually.
1
Thessalonians 5:16 - Rejoice always,
Convicted. I've been focusing on my problems and not the solution.
17
pray continually,
Convicted.
I have been praying, but not properly. I've been focusing on what I needed to have or
to be. I haven’t been focusing on what God needs me to be. I've been praying
selfishly.
18
give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ
Jesus.
Convicted.
By praying over what I felt were my needs, I wasn't being grateful. I have been
on edge, wary of disappointment or shortcoming, but I am loved and cared for
beyond anything I could ever have imagined by the most powerful being that has
existed and ever will...and that's enough for me.
After
all of this, a very specific hymn came to mind, and I'll close with this…
A wonderful Savior is Jesus
my Lord,
A wonderful Savior to me;
He hideth my soul in the cleft of the rock,
Where rivers of pleasure I see.
A wonderful Savior to me;
He hideth my soul in the cleft of the rock,
Where rivers of pleasure I see.
Refrain:
He hideth my soul in the cleft of the rock,
That shadows a dry, thirsty land;
He hideth my life in the depths of His love,
And covers me there with His hand,
And covers me there with His hand.
He hideth my soul in the cleft of the rock,
That shadows a dry, thirsty land;
He hideth my life in the depths of His love,
And covers me there with His hand,
And covers me there with His hand.
A wonderful Savior is Jesus
my Lord,
He taketh my burden away,
He holdeth me up and I shall not be moved,
He giveth me strength as my day.
He taketh my burden away,
He holdeth me up and I shall not be moved,
He giveth me strength as my day.
With numberless blessings
each moment He crowns,
And filled with His fullness divine,
I sing in my rapture, oh, glory to God!
For such a Redeemer as mine.
And filled with His fullness divine,
I sing in my rapture, oh, glory to God!
For such a Redeemer as mine.
When clothed with His
brightness transported I rise
To meet Him in clouds of the sky,
His perfect salvation, His wonderful love,
I’ll shout with the millions on high.
To meet Him in clouds of the sky,
His perfect salvation, His wonderful love,
I’ll shout with the millions on high.
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