Sunday, August 14, 2011

Back to Me

I don't know how to start this, except to say that I haven't been myself lately.  Those who know me best know I am almost perpetually sunshiny...really, it's almost disgusting.  My friend and co-worker Krystyn often volunteers to work out with me, but I'm not exactly sure why...I think it makes her want to shove me down a flight of steps.  It can't be easy huffing and puffing and being miserably with Rainbow Bright in your ear talking about how "if we keep doing it then it will just get easier!!" and "I know it's hard but you can totally do this!!" 

But the last few days, I just haven't been me.  My car broke down Thursday afternoon.  I went to Josiah's parents' to pick up Destiny, and it just wouldn't start back up.  So...GREAT.  Not only is my inspection expired because the clock spring beneath the airbag is broken and the ABS light is on (because I pinched a dang sensor that now needs to be replaced), but my car won't start...and wouldn't jump!!  Oh, and I need a new serpentine belt, too.  Like icing on the cake. *sigh*

I'm going to try not to go into any more boring car details, but it was a stressful weekend.  Today, I was able to get in touch with a great mechanic who cleaned the battery terminals and TA DA...running minivan.  But until then...craziness.  And not only was there a bunch of confusion, but when I was at home, I was totally grounded without transportation. Not to mention the stress of trying to figure out how I was going to fund the major auto repair I thought I was going to have to deal with.

When I was stuck in the house, I just wanted to read. I didn't want to clean my house. I didn't want to play with my kids.  I didn't want to talk to anyone.  I didn't want to go online.  I just didn't want to do anything.  With my state of mind, I think all that stuff just felt like pretending.  It's hard for me to interact like that.  I feel like I'm passing my "blah" onto everyone else like some nasty ooze, and I just don't like spreading it.

In talking to my dad, I acknowledged how silly it was.  God has provided for me so well.  I'm fine.  My children are fine.  I'm pretty broke, but my bills are paid and there's a roof over our heads, and we're not starving anytime soon.  I'm surrounded by people who love me and are tyring to help me and have really gone out of their way to make sure I could function (Susan, Mike, Justin, Jessica, & Dwayne...this definitely means you).  I have beautiful children and a Josiah that loves me...but I still couldn't help feeling sad.  I even prayed about how silly I felt being sad.

Even tonight after I found out the van was running...I was still not "me."  Josiah came over and looked at me and said "still pouty?"  Um...yes.  Still pouty.  Luckily, he happens to be completely silly and know how to cheer me up.  So after some silly faces, a special green tea frappuccino, and some couch cuddling, I feel SO much more like myself.

I wish I had more of a lesson in this.  I still feel foggy, but I also feel like I should get this all out.  I feel like I should be quoting scripture and telling you all how I really dug in and the Word pulled me out of my funk...but I totally didn't.  I prayed about it, but I didn't even feel as connected as I normally do in that.

I do know that I'm a very lucky girl.  I feel very blessed to have the people in my life that I do.  And I truly hope to have something more inspiring to say later this week!


  1. You're so normal. No one can be sunshine all the time. I'm glad you're feeling better!

  2. Thanks Jamie. I know I can't be sunny ALL the time, but..I don't know...this whole thing made me feel REALLY not centered for an extended period of time. I'm really glad it feels like all my receptors are finally reconnecting! LOL

  3. There's nothing like car stuff to make you feel helpless and depressed! Hope you feel better soon...

  4. THAT'S what it was! I think you really put your finger on it! I felt very helpless. I was dependent on other people to get home, get groceries, look at the car, etc. I don't like being dependent upon people, and the whole experience made me feel very powerless and out of control. I think there's a lesson in there somewhere, but I'm going to have to roll it around in my head a while. Thanks!!