Thursday, July 19, 2012

Crying in the Cubicle

I'm crying...sitting at my desk at work crying and praying the people having the meeting in the cubicle next to mine don't notice.

I am so tired.

I'm praying.  I know God is working in my life, and I know when things get hard I should seek His face and His will.  I'm truly trying.  I swear.

I'm just so tired.

I'm not sleeping well at night.  I feel like I haven't slept well for years.  In reality, it's more like a month and a half, but it feels like forever.

Josiah is asking me about time.


"I'm taking Emily out this evening, but maybe next time we should switch and you should take one of them out.  We can take turns."  Because it's Thursday and that's what he's been doing on Thursday...spending time with one kid for a few hours each week.  It's awesome.  He's awesome.

I appreciate it so much, but in my present state of mind everything is overwhelming.


Sure, we'll spend time alternately with one kid per week, and then we'll try to have family time, and don't forget our nightly family devotions, and then we might try to find time to spend with each other alone every now and then, and then we can fit in personal time by ourselves once every third year.

I know.  I'm being immensely whiny.  I'm almost positive God will show me something in the next few days that will make me print a retraction.  He will convict me.  I know it.

I'm just so tired.

Wake up at 5:15 for quiet time (highlight of my day actually), to work by 7, home by 4, cook dinner, laundry (maybe), spend time with the kids, family devotions, clean up the kitchen, don't spend more than 5 minutes doing anything after that though or you'll miss out on a few more minutes of crappy sleep!  Rinse, repeat.

I don't want to be frustrated with God...but I am.  If I have to stay here and continue to do this job, then can I at least please have sleep?  Please?

I disrespectful is that?  I'm totally going to regret this post.  I'm almost sure of it.  Positive.

But, for better or worse, this is me.  This is what I'm feeling at the moment, and if I'm going to journal this journey of mine then I might as well pen the downs as well as the ups.

Pray for me peoples...I think I'm in need.

1 comment:

  1. awww, I wish I could give you a big hug! I'll pray for you! Sleep makes a huge difference in our ability to cope. In the meantime, can you pop a benadryl or something and see if that works? That's what I used to do when I was prego and couldn't sleep. I mean not every night or anything, but once in a while to guarantee some rest. Also is your mind moving a gazillion miles an hour when you lay down at night? If so, can you take a moment to write down your worries, things you must do tomorrow, etc. and even if it delays you going to bed by a half hour, it might pay off in how much you actually sleep once in bed? Sorry that I'm giving unsolicited advice w/o really even knowing what's going on, but those are just things that have helped me in the past. Love you!