That’s about how I feel right now. I’m in a box and I want desperately to be let out. I’m facts and figures and plans and lists and schedules and tasks. I’m boring, and I’m in a box.
What would I be if I could be anything in the world and I wasn’t at all limited by funds or lack of talent? Want a list? Here goes:
· Stay-at-home mommy
· Professional cake taster (cuz why not while I’m dreaming?)
· Event planner
· Circus performer extraordinaire
Huh? What’s missing from that list? Billing clerk. Should that be on there? Um…nope. Not on my list really.
I yearn to create. My heart is crying out for a change, but I’m waiting…still waiting. I know God’s timing is perfect. I know His plan is perfect. I’m trying so hard to be patient.
But I’m still sitting here…in an office with no windows and no creativity. I want to scream at the top of my lungs just to make something interesting happen, to break free from the confines of this cubicle-lined prison of mediocrity.
I just want to cry. I know I shouldn’t be scared because God has this all worked out, but part of me just wants to roll over and die inside. What if this is it? What if I’m wrong and I’m not destined to do something different. What if it’s my destiny to stay here for 20 years and I’m just being an ungrateful grumbler. Some people do the same job their entire lives and then retire from it, and they never really liked it, but they accept that it is what it is, and it was what it was and they’re just…okay with it, right?
I pray sometimes that if God doesn’t want me to be something else that He’ll just take this feeling away…this horrible trapped feeling. I’m a caged animal, watching life pass me by just outside the bars.
Change me, God. If I’m not supposed to want to be somewhere else, then please change me. Change my heart. Help me settle.
But, dear Lord in Heaven, if I am supposed to be doing something different and it is Your will, please help me wait for You. I’m trying, and I’m praying, and I’m crying out to you…in my head…
Because after all, to really just scream in the office would probably be frowned upon.
Thank you, Jesus. Amen.