I Got A Feelin'

It's quiet.

Emily and Josiah are outside hitting a baseball around.  Ryan is with his dad.  Destiny is on her way back from camp (hopefully, at least..that saga will be a different blog post I'm sure.

I'm sitting here in our dark, tranquil living room, and I just feel like I want to write.

Anyone who knows me at all or has ever read this blog knows I've been searching for God's plan for my life, especially with regard to my occupation.  In recent weeks I've had different people ask me questions...about my degree and why I'm majoring it Psychology and Business, why I'm not making a change now, what I really want to do or be.  Honestly,  I have no clue...about any of it.

I just feel it.

I'm majoring in Business and Psychology because that's what I'm supposed to do.

I'm not making a change in my career yet because I'm supposed to be waiting.

I don't know what I'm going to do because God has something different planned for me.

How do I know?  I just feel it.

This is really difficult for me, honestly, because I'm not the most decisive person on the planet, nor am I remarkably intuitive.  Quite the opposite, actually.  Half the time I have Josiah order for me when we go out...I can't even decide what to eat.

For a long time I thought my inability to decide what I wanted to be when I grow up was due to this tendency toward indecision.  However, I'm now thoroughly convinced I'm just being primed, so to speak.

Josiah and I have considered possibilities.  Maybe I'll be using my writing.  Maybe I'll be using my experiences by working women in difficult situations.  Maybe I'll be working for a non-profit doing event planning.  Maybe all of it...maybe none of it.  I have the feeling that it's something I haven't really thought of yet.  And even more that, I have the feeling that I'm supposed to wait for it.

I'm not supposed to seek out something.  I'm not supposed to job search.  I'm not supposed to be brushing up my resume.

I'm just supposed to wait.

I just feel it...and I'm struggling.

I can almost feel everything I am pressing against it.  I am not a waiter; I am a doer.

If you don't like something, change it, right?  Right?  GAAAAAH!!!

See?  Slightly nutty.  God is using this to make a point, I'm sure.  He's fine tuning me for whatever it is He has planned for me.  He's teaching me to wait for His timing, His plan.  It's really hard though.

Nevertheless, waiting is what I'll do.  If there's one thing dating and meeting my wonderful husband taught me, it's that waiting for what He has planned is far better than pushing, pulling, and prodding to try to make something that's not in his plan work out.

I did that when I was dating.  There were a couple people I really thought I loved, and I did in some way.  It just wasn't meant to be, though, and even when it really  looked like it wasn't I really tried hard to make it fit.  I thought  it had to be God's plan because it just felt like it was...because I so desperately wanted it to be.

And then I met my Josiah...His plan for me.  I couldn't have even dreamed that someone existed who could love me as much or as well as he does, or who I could love so much in return.  He had something wonderful planned for me...I just had to wait.

So that's what I'm doing now.  I'm just waiting.  It's what I'm supposed to do.

I just feel it.